Pregnant? No Thanks.

Last night, I took a really amazing yoga class that focused on appreciating the body during menstruation. The teacher talked about menstruation as a great opportunity our bodies give us to let go of whatever we're holding onto that we no longer actually need, whether it's physical, mental or emotional. I ended the class feeling a newfound sense of appreciation and love for my body.

Which is why I was so incredibly annoyed that I had yet another pregnancy dream last night! For those of you who are not cursed blessed with these dreams, or for those who may not be familiar with the concept, a pregnancy dream is your body's not so subtle way of nudging you and saying "Hey lady person, remember what you're evolutionarily supposed to be doing during this phase of your life?" Through conversations with other women around my age, I've found that this is actually a really common phenomenon.

My first pregnancy dream happened when I was in college, working hard while overloading on classes and not even a little bit wanting to be pregnant. I dreamed one night that I was pregnant and due pretty soon, but the weirdest part of the dream was that I was SO HAPPY that I was pregnant. In the dream, my pregnancy was all I could think about, and I was absolutely thrilled about it. When I woke up, I was actually a little bloated that morning, so I reached down in horror to feel a slightly rounded belly. I proceeded to have a minor freakout until my half-asleep mind could process the information that I hadn't even had sex with anyone in the last six months or so, so there was literally zero chance that I was actually pregnant.

Ever since that first time, these dreams have felt like a struggle between me and my body. Sometimes I already have a child and another is on the way, sometimes I've just found out I'm pregnant, sometimes I'm having twins! While I am not at all at a place in my life where I want to have children, my body is 26 years old and healthy, and it clearly feels like it should be making babies.

Here's the thing: I don't want to fight my body. I want my body, mind and soul to live in perfect harmony and always be in complete agreement with each other! I want them to dance and frolic together in a field of flowers while unicorns jump over rainbows. However, life seems to have other plans for me.

Just like every other relationship in my life, the relationship between my mind, body and soul is one of compromise. If I can't give my body babies right now, I will make it happy in other ways, with yoga classes and yummy food and plenty of sunshine and healthy amounts of sleep (when possible). And just like with every other relationship in my life, when there is compromise and healthy communication, it will ultimately lead to a deep and fulfilling relationship. And if any relationship in my life is going to be deeply fulfilling, it had better be my relationship with myself.

Celebrating Life Choices While 20-Something

Has anyone noticed that everyone in the world is getting engaged? It's like in the last six months, the rest of the 20-somethings got a memo that I somehow totally missed. I think it's so wonderful that people are choosing to celebrate their love and share their lives together, and also every time I see a new engagement on Facebook (thanks for those adorable popup notifications, Zuck), I want to pull my hair out and scream. Just a little bit.

So why does it stress me out when other people get engaged? Is it because I feel like I'm losing the rat race? Is it because I'm frustrated with the current state of my life? It's certainly not that I want to be engaged - I'm actually very happily single at the moment. When people get engaged, it seems like they have their lives together and are focused and successful. However, I've learned from talking with these crazy engaged folk that, generally speaking, they feel just as lost as I do being 20-somethings and trying to figure out this crazy little thing called life. So if we're all really lost little lambs in the woods together, why the unease on my part?

I was thinking about my strangely unreasonable engagement woes, and suddenly my mind started wandering and thinking about the things that I've committed myself to over the last few years. No commitments to people, pets, apartments, etc., but commitments to ideas. Like sex-positivity. And body-positivity. And feminism.

Which is when I came up with the radical notion of...(drum roll please)...LIFE POSITIVITY! Okay, I looked it up and it's definitely a term that's been used by all sorts of holistic living organizations, and I think that's awesome. But that's not quite how I'm using it.

Sex-positivity, to me, means keeping an open mind about sexuality and celebrating every person's choices (as long as they're consensual), even if they're not necessarily what I would choose. Body-positivity is about keeping an open mind about the diversity of the human body - celebrating people's choices to love their bodies at any size. So life-positivity would mean keeping an open mind about life decisions.

I don't want to be engaged right now. And that's okay. And it's also okay that friends of mine feel differently. And I don't need to feel pressured by that, because I can celebrate their choices WHILE also celebrating my own choices. Unlike in college, where everyone was pretty much at the same stage in their lives, now 20-somethings are all over the place. Some of us are in grad school. Some of us are getting married and having babies. Some of us are traveling the world. Some of us are earning millions. Some of us are living paycheck to paycheck. And that's all okay. I don't think any of these choices are inherently better or worse than any other. Also, each person needs different things in their lives at different times.

So gosh Amy, wouldn't it be way easier for you to be life-positive and celebrate people's choices without getting strange feelings when people who you knew as 5-year-olds are getting married? Yes, yes it would be easier. And I'm working on it one day at a time. I encourage you to do the same and embrace life-positivity in your own life! Let me know how it goes! Any stories about successes/failures/epiphanies?

Kink and Gender

I've been having lots of thoughts about gender lately. A lot of these thoughts came up a few weeks ago, when I had the AMAZING experience of touring Kink.com headquarters at the San Francisco Armory (this was so great - if you're ever in SF, do it!). For such a sex-positive, inclusive, really wonderful space, I was really surprised at the gender-normativity of a lot of their work. Just a few examples:

• They have two separate wrestling themed sites, one with male wrestlers and one with female wrestlers. Occasionally, they'll film with a live audience - the female wrestlers' audience is mixed-gender, but the male wrestlers' audience is exclusively male. The reason? Gay men watching the male wrestling site don't want to see women in their porn.
• The fourth floor of Kink.com is called The Upper Floor, which is a breathtakingly gorgeous, elegant space that is home to play parties open to the San Francisco kink community. There are a special group of slaves (BDSM submissive - it's a totally consensual arrangement that brings pleasure to all parties, so please don't be offended by the term) who are the slaves of The Upper Floor - it's the ultimate goal for slaves at Kink.com, and it's a very special honor to be in that group. Which is all women. Because that's what their online audience responds to.
• I attended a rope bondage class while at Kink.com. It was SO AWESOME and fun and fabulous and totally different from anything I'd ever done before! Also, all of the people who attended the class were in couples that were male-dominant, female-submissive. All of them. One of the women actually got annoyed with me when I suggested that some people might be turned on by switching power roles once in a while.

Okay, so here's my analysis. I totally get that Kink.com is a business, and as a business, they need to cater to their customers' preferences in order to be profitable. So I am completely sympathetic to their situation. I guess I'm just surprised, since a kinky porn site is already so far from mainstream, that their customers would be so very mainstream in their desires. I know that there's a market for gender-bending porn and porn that is inclusive to women and porn that promotes gender equality - I know because I work with that market every day. Unfortunately, it seems that those are not the people (or at least not the majority of the people) who pay for porn site access.

In my ideal world, a porn company would hear from their customers that they prefer seeing only female slaves on The Upper Floor, and they would say, "Too bad for you! We don't want to prevent our male slaves from being able to achieve the highest level of slavedom." Or if online subscribers preferred to only see male audience members at a gay male pornographic wrestling match, they would say, "Sorry! Sometimes women get off by watching men have sex, just like how some men get off by watching women have sex, and all of that is okay!"

The problem is, we are all socialized to see gender constructs as necessary and true. It's so deeply ingrained in us that even those of us who have rejected all sorts of other societal norms still get off on seeing men in dominant roles and women in submissive roles (and for many of us, participating in those roles as well!). It doesn't even mean that's necessarily what we like in life outside the bedroom - it means that these roles are so deeply embedded in our psyches that our minds interpret this kind of power dynamic as pleasurable. I don't even see this as an inherently good or bad thing - I just find it fascinating. The human mind - wow! And its effects on the economics of running a porn company. And how that can unwittingly contribute to reinforcing gender stereotypes in our society. I love how it's all connected. In a way, it's kind of brilliant to see the whole system and how it works through us. Thoughts?

Sex: Funny or Serious?

Which is it?? I don't know, a little bit of both, I suppose. This is a borderline I'm constantly running up against!

On the one hand, I think sex is one of the silliest things in the world! Strange noises and awkward moments abound, and I am SUCH a fan of awkward moments (I'm actually not kidding)! There's nothing better than super fun silly sex that ends with everyone rolling on the bed laughing (ROTBL?). And a lot of what I do at work is try to lead people to not take sex so seriously, and instead to be able to step outside the situation and laugh about it.

On the other hand, there are lots of people who come into my store and swing dildos around their heads and hit each other with floggers and laugh about sex. And that frankly pisses me off! But why? They're being playful about sex! They're having fun! Yes...and they're also totally disrespecting my work and the store.

So I totally think that sex is fun and funny and that it's awesome to be able to laugh about it. But laughing ABOUT sex and laughing AT sex are two totally different things. And while sex is very funny, it also deserves some respect! After all, it's the reason we all exist.

Frustrations of Teaching

At my lovely place of employment, we have a weekly workshop series. I didn't even realize that I felt like it was in a rut until this last month. In July, we offered a bunch of really exciting new classes about topics I hadn't seen taught before. They were incredibly well received and well attended, and I was fortunate enough to see all of them taught! It felt really fresh and new, and like we were really getting out useful information that we cared about, and I felt that the teachers were personally connected to the classes in ways I hadn't seen before, which was wonderful.

Then August came along, and it's sadly been back to business as usual. The last two weeks of workshops have been the same old topics taught in the same old way. This has been a bit frustrating and disappointing for me to see. I have lots of friends who are teachers (in a more traditional sense), and I have so much respect for them for a million reasons, but one of the big ones is having to start from square one every time, yet still maintaining enthusiasm for the work. I see all the same kinds of people with all the same kinds of issues come to my workshops, and sometimes it really gets me down. How many people in this city have I told now that it's okay to communicate with your partner, or that it's okay to have whatever desires/fantasies you have, or that no one kind of sex is more valid than any other kind of sex? Literally hundreds. Yet with every group, I encounter exactly the same hangups. Teachers, I'm sure you have the same issue with things like reading and math. Every time you teach a topic, it's starting over right from the beginning.

A more positive way of looking at it is that it's like solving a puzzle. You always want to help a person get from point A to point B, but the way you get there is different for every person. I suppose if I were working with people more on an individual level, I would get more of the benefit of that. Occasionally, I'll have a student who has an "Aha!" moment, which is very rewarding. I guess it just doesn't happen as often with adults as with, say, five-year-olds.

A big part of my frustration is that there is very little shared knowledge in the world when it comes to sex. With other topics, people can form unofficial "study groups" and talk about what they've learned. I know lots of people who are in book clubs where they get together and talk about lessons learned from the books they've been reading. This is a great way to collectivize knowledge and take advantage of not only the things you've learned, but also what your friends have learned. It's a rare group of friends, though, that will sit around and talk frankly about sex in a non-shaming way. People often talk about sex in a gossip-y way (who's fucking whom? what does that mean for this person? etc.), but not in a learning kind of way ("well, my partner and I were talking about this aspect of our sex life the other day, and here's the conclusion we came to. what do you think?").

I feel like we could get so much further as a society if we could just talk openly and honestly with one another about sex. It would certainly make my workshops far less frustrating. Of course, I probably also would not need to have a job anymore. So, thanks to all the sexually insecure people in America for...keeping me employed? Yikes.

Nontraditional Relationships

Oh, hey there blogosphere! Sorry I disappeared for awhile. I actually wrote a really great post the other day and didn't save it, and then my computer froze and it got lost forever :-( So that bummed me out for a while. But here's my recreation of that post, which is slightly less brilliant, but hopefully still pretty okay.

Despite what Facebook may say, there are three main relationship statuses that are actually considered "normal" by most people - single, in a committed monogamous relationship, and married. All three of these options are great ways that people can define relationships to themselves and others. However, as with everything else in life, when we try to fit the vast variety of human experience into a severely limited collection of narrow boxes, much of it doesn't fit! Which leaves lots of people feeling dissatisfied.

After three years of working in an incredibly sex-positive, openminded environment, I'm only now beginning to explore how something outside of these three options might work for me. It's amazing that it took me so long to get to this point. But oh my goodness, is it a liberating feeling!

The key to breaking out of the narrow box system is, of course...communication! (I realize I'm a bit of a one-trick pony with this. But it's SUCH a good trick!) It's easy to say "Okay, we're married now, so we know exactly what the expectations are there." But marriage doesn't have to look the same for everyone. Maybe you prefer a nonmonogamous marriage - that's cool! Maybe you want a marriage that is sexually exclusive, but you can go on dates with other people. Maybe you want a marriage where you can have sex with other people, but only as a couple, not as individuals. All of these are totally legitimate options, no matter what conservatives might say! The thing about personal relationships is that they are PERSONAL, between people, so you and your partner(s) get to decide what each of you wants out of the relationship and come to some consensus about what works best for everyone involved. No social pressures involved, and no worrying about what's "normal." What a great gift! And what a huge responsibility!

The first things to think about are: what do you want to contribute to a relationship, and what can your partner contribute to you? It's pretty unrealistic to expect one person to meet all of your needs - emotional, sexual, physical, mental, etc. That's also a lot of pressure to put on each person involved and on the relationship. Why do you think the divorce rate is so high? Maybe there's someone in your life who you have excellent sex with, but you're not really feeling the emotional connection - do you give up the excellent sex just because of that? Or what about someone you feel a strong emotional connection with, but the sex is just eh? Despite what romantic comedies teach us, it is totally okay to have a conversation with someone where you say, "Hey, I feel really emotionally connected to you, but I'm just not that sexually attracted to you right now. Can we work with that?" Who knows, maybe they're feeling exactly the same way!

You might say, this is risky! People could get hurt! Crazy Amy...

Yes, this is risky. So is life! People can get hurt doing anything - it might as well be while you're being honest with yourself and other people. But here's how to avoid getting hurt, at least a bit. Sit down with yourself and be really honest about what you want from a relationship and what your boundaries are. Do you want a partner to share your life? Do you want a companion to have fun with? Do you want someone really hot who you can bang on a regular basis? Do you want relationships with multiple people, and if so, how do you want that to work? Do you want to be by yourself right now? If you're being honest with yourself and others, and they're being honest with you, it's far less likely that someone will get hurt, and far more likely that you'll be able to figure out what style of relationship works for you. Wow, it's really amazing what a dose of open and honest communication can do for you!!

Celebrating Your Sexual Journey

I've experienced a lot of bachelorette parties this wedding season, and none of them were for me or any of my friends. They were all events I was working at, teaching at, etc. It's such a joy to be able to join in on people's celebrations, and it's fascinating to see how different people send off their friends into the world of marriage! A lot of them do it by getting drunk and acting stupid. Which is great! I totally appreciate the need to blow off steam and have a fun crazy night with the girls! I don't appreciate it quite as much when I'm trying to teach a bunch of people who are drunk and acting stupid, but on some level I totally understand it.

My favorite bachelorette party I've worked, though, was a bit different. There was definitely alcohol involved, and there was plenty of silliness going on, but the vibe was a bit different. A little more...shall we say sex-positive? When I arrived, the party was already in full swing. They were playing a game of documenting the bride's sexual history on a huge piece of paper on the wall. For each encounter (starting from her very first sexual encounter ever), the bride wrote her partner's name, how old she was at the time, drew a picture of the person's penis (hilarious!), and told the story of what had happened, while noting down relevant details like where it took place, specific fun facts about the encounter, etc.

The list was already quite extensive when I got there, and the best part was that no one was being judgmental at all. They were all so excited to re-live the bride's sexual journey along with her in a supportive, encouraging, and really fun way. When you're about to get married, what better way to celebrate than by remembering and sharing all the experiences that led you to this person with whom you plan to share your life?

Even though it's a totally archaic cultural trope, people still think of brides as virginal (note the white dress). Though some brides are virgins and are very happy about that, I think many, if not most, brides in the U.S. have had some previous sexual experience, which is such a great thing! Sexual compatibility is such an important part of marriage, and how are you supposed to know unless you take someone for a test drive? So I think it's so wonderful that this party was focused on celebrating all the experiences the bride has had that have led up to this exciting occasion. I hope she has a very happy marriage, and given some of the stories she was telling, I have a feeling she will!

Trouble in the Bedroom

From the mailbox... (Oh and hey everyone else - if you want me to answer your questions, I would totally love to do that! Just email them to askamyaboutsex@gmail.com!)

My girlfriend and I only recently started dating. She has difficulty during sex with letting herself go and climaxing or even coming close. She gets uncomfortable with me "focusing on" her, as she puts it, but is generally okay "focusing on" me. What can I/we do to help her get more comfortable with herself around me?

Hey friend,

That sounds like an unpleasant situation for both of you! It sounds like there might be a number of things going on here, so the best way to figure out what's wrong is going to be to have an open and honest conversation about it. You know how I'm a pretty big fan of communication!

Lots of people (women especially) have difficulty coming to orgasm, and that is fine! It doesn't mean you're flawed, or that there's anything wrong with your body - it just means you're human. One thing that can really help is to take the pressure off the situation by not focusing so much on the orgasm. Instead, focus on the sexual journey. If you're having a good time, that's what's most important. Your partner's discomfort might be partially coming from a space of shame around not being able to orgasm regularly. Does she masturbate? Is she able to come from masturbation? If she takes the time to explore her own body and figure out what turns her on, then she can share that with you, and your sex will be that much better and not so laced with shame! This is a thing she can do on her own, and it's also a thing you can do together. I think mutual masturbation can be really great for relationships, because you learn more about each others' bodies and how you like to stimulate yourselves. It's also really hot to be able to watch your super sexy partner touching their own body!

The other thing that might be going on here is just a matter of prioritizing sex. If your partner only wants to "focus on" you, she might be coming from a space of obligation rather than enthusiastic participation. Sometimes we can be really tired or really stressed about work/school/family, and it's hard to get in the mood to have sex. With all the best intentions in the world, we think to ourselves, "Well, it's not fair to deny my partner pleasure just because I'm not in the mood. So I'll just help him get off real quick, then I'll go back to being stressed." Sadly, our partner can usually see right through us and see that we're not really enjoying ourselves. I think at least half of the fun of sex comes from seeing the pleasure you're giving someone else, so when we get in our stressed-out place, we're denying our partner the pleasure of seeing OUR pleasure. We're also denying ourselves potential stress release - boo!

It can be helpful to put aside a time for sex. That way, you can plan ahead and say, "Okay, for this couple of hours two nights from now, I am going to put aside the rest of my life and focus on my partner and my body and pleasure." We schedule everything else - meetings, lunch with friends, doctor appointments - because they are priorities. Well, sex should be a priority too, but we often expect it to just be spontaneous, which means it doesn't end up happening, or when it does come up, one or both people are just not in the mood. Scheduling sex doesn't make it less sexy - it can actually make it more sexy! You can spend the whole next two days (or however long) building up the excitement through fantasizing, dirty texting, primping, etc. Putting aside this time specifically for sex might help your partner be more in the moment rather than worrying about everything else in life.

The last thing I want to talk about here is compromise, the backbone of every relationship. When you talk with your partner about this issue, some things might come up that you don't want to hear. Maybe she's uncomfortable with her body, for any number of reasons (lots of women are). Maybe she's just not a fan of oral sex. Maybe she only comes when she's using vibration, and she wants to bring toys into the bedroom. As in all communication, the most important things are: 1) Know what you want, and don't be afraid to ask for it. and 2) Actively listen to your partner and try to give them what they want if possible. Compromises are really important and can be a great way to grow as a couple. But they can also sometimes lead to resentment if one person ends up giving up something that they really need in a relationship. So going into this conversation, know what you are and are not willing to negotiate about. And stick to that! 

A coworker and I were talking recently about how the most important thing you can bring to the table in a relationship is a knowledge of your own self-worth. In other words, know what you need and know that you are deserving enough to ask for what you need and for someone to make a compromise in order to give you what you need. If both of you are coming at this conversation from a place of self-worth, you will definitely be able to have a productive conversation about it.

Hope this helps a little! Best of luck!

Love and kisses,

Amy

An Exploration of Age Limits

As a sex educator, I pride myself on being really openminded about all things sexual. That's why it's always a bit unsettling when I find myself being judgmental about something when there's no need for it. Luckily, my second reaction (after feeling unsettled) is to see it as an exciting opportunity to confront my own prejudice, figure out the reasoning behind it, and hopefully become more openminded as a result! Yay learning from experience! So here we go.

There is a huge social taboo when it comes to dating outside of the socially accepted age range (depending on who you ask, I believe the standard is:

your age/2 +7 = lower end of age range,
your age-7 * 2 = upper end of age range

My age range would therefore be 20-36 - you do the math).

Because this is an issue I was really judgmental about myself until recently (and still struggle with, by the way), I definitely understand the reasons for this taboo. We worry about pedophilia, we worry about implicit power dynamics, people being coerced, people using people, maturity/life experience gap, etc. These are all legitimate concerns, and I've actually known quite a few young people who became involved in unhealthy relationships with older people, and one or both people generally end up getting hurt (big part of the reason for my personal prejudice).

What this social taboo fails to take into account is that sometimes people of vastly different ages are actually really compatible with each other. Emotional age and physical age are not at all the same thing, which means that a 40-something and a 20-something can actually be at a similar level of maturity. The bottom line for me is that 18 is the age of consent, and therefore once you're over 18, as long as it's consensual, it's cool with me. And there's nothing inherently wrong with dating someone much older or younger than you! Yes, sometimes these relationships are unhealthy for all sorts of reasons, but I know plenty of totally unhealthy relationships where both people are the same age, so who's to say that it actually makes any difference? Theory: If relationships where both people are the same age can be healthy OR unhealthy, then relationships with a large age gap can also be healthy OR unhealthy. Crazy, I know.

So why would you want to date/sleep with someone who's way older or way younger than you? Well, let's explore that. Having an older partner can be nice because older partners can be more mature and have more stability in their lives than younger partners. Whether your life is a mess and it's comforting to be with someone who's got it more together, or whether you're very together for your age and are fed up with everyone else being a mess, stability can definitely be attractive. It can also be nice to feel like you're being taken care of. For some people, this can be an uncomfortable power dynamic, sure, but remember - power dynamics exist in every relationship, and caregiving is usually the most unbalanced power dynamic in any relationship (other than money, I suppose, which is related to caregiving anyway). And there's nothing wrong with wanting to feel taken care of!

People more easily see the benefit of having a younger partner, because we live in a super ageist society that values youth and beauty over pretty much everything else. Aside from the "hot young thing" phenomenon, I think it can be really refreshing to date someone a lot younger. It can remind you that you're still young at heart. It can be really fun to act younger than you are (not in a weird way, just in a giving yourself permission to be silly way) and to shake things up a bit, especially if you feel like you're stagnating (which many people do at some point in life). Having a partner who's much older or younger than you is also a great way to gain new perspective on the world. As someone who's a big fan of learning through relationships, I love the idea of getting to experience the world from a different perspective!

Here's my newly revised opinion on age differences and dating/sex: It's just the same as dating someone who's different from you in any other way (race, socioeconomic class, religion, etc.). It's not going to be easy, and people are going to judge you a lot. But the truth is that no one ever knows the true nature of a relationship except the people involved in the relationship. Therefore, no one's judgment should really matter except your own and your partner's, so if the person or the sex or the relationship is worth it to you, go forth and love!

Kinky Mail

Yay, someone sent me questions! Here is an answer to one of them (which is super long, but only barely scratches the surface of the topic discussed). If you also have questions you want to send me, please do! See the right side of this page for details!

I have recently discovered I'm kinky. I still haven't talked to anyone about it, and I don't know exactly the extent of my interests. I want to explore light bondage and easier things like that, but I don't currently have a partner. It feels like an awkward thing to bring up on a random hook-up, or even a new partner. How can I explore this side of myself?

-Seeking Out Licentious Orgasms

Hi SOLO friend,

I'm so excited for you to have wonderful kinky adventures! It's totally okay that you don't have a partner right now, because I'm sure you're awesome all by yourself, and also the first step on this journey is to learn as much as you can about kink, which is a thing you can do just as well on your own. Also, since you don't have a partner to pressure you to want or not want certain things, look at this time as a great opportunity to have an honest conversation with yourself about what you do and do not want to explore.

The overall category of kink (or BDSM, which stands for Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, Sadism/Masochism) is a really really big umbrella category that covers a whole lot of topics. It covers things like  power play, sensation play, impact play, bondage, role play, and much much more. It's totally fine to be into some aspects of kinky sex and not others, and learning lots about different parts of kink is a good way to figure out which things you might be into.

Another useful thing to know about kink is that there is a thriving underground community of people who are into kinky sex! And it is one of the most wonderfully supportive and caring communities around! So look up resources in your community where you can learn more about the kink scene near you. There are probably classes you can take, play parties you can attend (probably as an observer at first, then as a participant later if you want!), and really fun and interesting people you can connect with. The Eulenspiegel Society (TES) is a great place to start - they're a really well-established New York-based BDSM support and education group. On their website, they list resources in New York and around the country - mostly located in or near big cities. But I promise, there are kinky people everywhere! Sometimes you just have to do a little research to find out what's going on near you.

So kinky sex can be practiced within the kink community, but kink is also something you can incorporate into otherwise vanilla sex (vanilla sex = not kinky sex - I don't see it as a derogatory term, just a different flavor, if you will!), which is a really great way to get started, and also a really great thing to do in and of itself, not necessarily as an introduction to the community. 

The single most important thing when it comes to kink (and all sex - if you've been reading this blog regularly, you should know what I'm about to say. All together now?) - COMMUNICATION. A lot of kinky sex play is about negotiating the limits of what people find sexy and pleasurable. That's why consent is so important for these activities. And not just consent like "I asked and she said she guessed it was okay, so that's not a no" kind of consent. I'm a fan of ENTHUSIASTIC CONSENT when it comes to all kinds of sex, and particularly kinky sex. That means both people are really excited about whatever's happening and are constantly letting their partner know how excited they are before, during, and after playtime. The BDSM community likes their kinky play to be "safe, sane and consensual" - meaning you're being mindful of one another's safety, you're not drunk/on drugs/in any altered state of mind, and everyone's into it!

A great way to get in touch with your own desires and later communicate them to a partner is by using a Yes/No/Maybe list. This is a list of all the activities you can think of (kinky, sexy, or otherwise). Here's a really excellent example! You make three columns - Yes, No, and Maybe. In the Yes column, put all the activities you are excited about and want to try. In the No column, put everything that doesn't turn you on or you're not interested in exploring. And in the Maybe column, put activities that you might want to try under certain conditions, or might want to learn more about before trying, or anything that isn't a clear Yes or No. Whenever you do get together with a partner, you can compare your lists and have a conversation about what activities you might like to try. It's a great way to focus on the activity itself and take the pressure off of you and your partner. It's also important to note that our desires change over time, so the Yes/No/Maybe list can totally change too, and that's great! It's a nice thing to keep coming back to over time.

My final note to you, my SOLO friend, is about safety. Safety is crucial when you're exploring kinky activities - as with safer sex in general, know your risks! Read up! When you're tying someone up, use something that is not going to tighten and cut off circulation (restraints/thick rope/bondage tape = good, metal handcuffs/thin rope/silk ties (Mr. Grey) = bad). Don't leave someone alone when they're tied up. Don't tie someone's hands over their head for more than ten minutes (circulation, people!). DO use a safeword. Always. And don't have it be "No" or "Stop."

And finally, have fun! This stuff is called "play" for a reason! Open your mind to new things and new people! Enjoy the process of exploring and learning more about your own desires and other people's desires and the incredibly diverse expressions of human sexuality that exist in the world! And then come back and tell me all about it. :-D

And my favorite kind of kinky sex:

Deja Vu All Over Again

Summer is the season for new love - summer flings, romance is in the air, it's so incredibly hot outside that of course all you want to do is rub your body up against someone else's because that makes perfect sense (hah!). This summer, though, I've been noticing that summer is not just for new love, it's also for rekindling old love. I have noticed a definite trend of people returning to former relationships to "give it another shot." Oh dear.

Disclaimer - sometimes all two people need is a little break from each other to get some perspective, and then they can return to a relationship with a fresh attitude and a new appreciation for everything they share together. And I think that's awesome, and it's so great to be able to recognize that that's what you need. And it's especially impressive if you can keep the line of open and honest communication going that whole time. If that's the case, good for you!

Too often though, we get addicted to people, which is why we conveniently forget about all the reasons why we broke up in the first place and return to a relationship. If this is something you're considering doing, please step back and ask yourself, "What has changed?" If you had a legitimate reason for breaking up in the first place (which most people do), has something changed to make that reason no longer exist? Because if the same reason still exists, it's just going to be a repeat of the last time. I actually had a friend tell me he's back together with this woman he dated last summer: "you know, the one who broke my heart." Um...red flag!!! Did you not sufficiently hurt each other the first time around? Why would you want more of that negativity in your life? (In case you're reading this, I love you friend, and I totally support you - I just also worry about you sometimes.)

Look, I've been in enough of these silly situations in my life to know that repeating mistakes is not a thing that feels good. It actually tends to make you feel stupid, foolish, and like you should have known better. So if you have an ex banging on your door (or in your bed), please think long and hard about whether you actually want to go down that road again. I've written here before about how sometimes we need to make mistakes or "bad decisions" just to remind ourselves that we can, and that it's okay to be imperfect. But common sense says: Don't walk into a situation that you know is going to be bad if you don't want a bad situation on your hands. Or at least tread very lightly. I love my friends, and I don't want you to get hurt. I also don't want to have to call in my network of assassins to go kill the people who hurt you - that costs a lot of money and can lead to awkward situations. Okay?

The Big O

A friend of mine recently brought this article to my attention and asked for my sexpert (hah!) opinion on it. The article is about "karezza," (from the Italian "caress") a philosophy and practice of making love without orgasm as a way to reconnect with your partner. Unsurprisingly, I'm a lot more into the second link (which is an actual karezza practitioner talking about the practice) than the first one (which is a major news network giving their perspective), but I think there are a lot of interesting points that this brings up.

As I told this helpful friend of mine (thank you for bringing this to my attention! If you'd like, I will put your name here and give you credit, but otherwise, you will remain anonymous.), the bottom line for me is that if a sex act is consensual and between adults, I'm all for it! I've mentioned on this blog before that I think our culture is sometimes way too goal-oriented when it comes to sex, and I think it would be beneficial for all of us to focus more on the journey and not stress out so much about the orgasm(s). I also love the emphasis this practice places on building intimacy with a partner and appreciating all parts of each other's bodies, not just the genitals. The practice of karezza was started by a pretty badass 19th century feminist, Alice Bunker Stockham, an OB/GYN who was pro-birth control, anti-corsets, and a general rock star quality person. And there does happen to be a special spot in my heart for kickass revolutionary way-before-their-time feminist activists (cheers, Hildegard von Bingen)!

Here are the issues I have with the ABC article. First of all, it's very heteronormative and based on the assumption that everyone in the world is (or desires to be) married and/or in a long-term monogamous relationship. Taking time to focus on building intimacy in the context of an established partnership is all well and good, but sometimes you just want to meet someone in a bar (or wherever - does anyone actually meet people in bars?), take them home, and have a really hot one night stand. In which case, if it's me, I would probably be more about the orgasms than about the building intimacy with this person who I'm probably never going to see again.

The other thing that irks me a bit about the article (and which is true of a lot of the mainstream media's coverage of sex issues) is that this article presents karezza as a better, more enlightened way of having sex, rather than one great choice among many. As I've discussed before, there are innumerable ways that people express their sexuality, and the immense variety of sexual expression never ceases to astound me. And I really don't think there is one sexual act or one way of experiencing sexuality that works for everyone. So I think it's unproductive and potentially harmful to place sexual experiences in a hierarchy, where one is necessarily "better" than another.

If you want to have orgasm-free sex because it makes you feel connected to your partner on a deeper level, or because it fulfills your desires, or because orgasms are not really your thing, I am all for that! If you want to have orgasms, but are considering orgasm-free sex because you think it's an objectively "better" type of sex, or because you think that's what your partner wants, or because you get really stressed about orgasms because you're putting too much focus on them in your life, I would suggest that you take some time to explore your own personal desires and figure out what in sex is actually important to you. It's totally possible to have stress-free orgasmic sex - I've done it!

So that's what I think about that article. What do you all think? Anyone want to comment? Anyone? Brighten my day? :-)

Reclaiming Slut!

My first year of college, Carol Leigh (aka Scarlot Harlot) came to speak at the student-run coffeeshop at my school. She was talking about sex workers' rights, which is something I never heard about in high school at all. I figured this was an experience not to be missed. Carol got up on the stage and warmed up the crowd: "Can I hear the women in the crowd?" "WOOHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!", etc. Then she said (in that same cheery voice), "Are there any SLUTS in the crowd??" ...awkward silence.

Several years later, I have come to a much more complete and positive understanding of the term "slut," but at the time, I (and apparently my classmates) just were not comfortable with that term being thrown around. As young women especially, I think the word "slut" is often used to keep us in our place. Whether it's older people cautioning us about the potential consequences of our actions ("No one wants to marry the town slut") or people our own age judging our sexual choices ("Omg, she's such a slut!"), we constantly get these messages that being a slut is a bad thing, and you don't want to be called that. Given those prevalent cultural messages, of course we weren't willing to publicly identify as sluts.

But let's examine that for a second. What does being a slut mean? A woman who is sexually active with multiple partners? I identify with that. A woman who doesn't shame herself about her sexual choices? I identify with that too. A woman who enjoys having sex? I totally identify with that! The whole negative connotation behind the word "slut," as far as I can tell, is based in antiquated ideas of gender roles which say that women shouldn't want sex and should only submit to men's (ideally their husband's) desires.

Well, I'm sorry "antiquated ideas of gender roles," but I like sex. I think it's great and empowering and fun and sexy and exciting, and I'm going to have it when I want, with whom I want, without feeling shame about it. And if that means I'm a slut, then you'd better believe I'm going to embrace that term for all it's worth. So yes Carol Leigh, there is at least one loud and proud slut in the house, and she's so sorry she didn't speak up all those years ago!

Persexionism

Here's a problem that exists: Since sex is so taboo in our culture, nobody talks about it openly and honestly, so everyone (or the majority of people, anyway) is super afraid that they're DOING IT WRONG! Or that their desires are not what they should be. Or that their bodies are not what they should be. Or that there needs to be this norm of what "should be" when it comes to anything involving sex. Sex perfectionism. Otherwise known as "persexionism" (yes, I did just invent that).

I'm a crazy perfectionist. That's actually why I'm not very good at blogging, because I'd rather not write a post at all than write an imperfect one. It's something I constantly struggle with in all areas of my life, and I know I'm not the only one. There are lots of perfectionists out there, and this is for all of us.

We need to give ourselves permission to be less than perfect. We need to give ourselves permission to make mistakes. Some of the best moments and happiest times (and best stories!) of my life have come from doing something that, if I had fully thought it through, I probably would never have done. I'm a big believer in living an interesting life, and an interesting life means sometimes doing things that you maybe shouldn't do, and sometimes pushing yourself to do things that you might not feel you're ready to do.

There was a big change in my life a few months ago, and since then, I've been trying to live life moment to moment, one day at a time. I'm not doing much planning ahead these days which, while maybe not the wisest life decision, is really refreshing for me. I'm trying as best as I can to say yes to every opportunity that comes my way. Sometimes this is awesome and I'm on top of the world, and sometimes it sucks and I hate it, but I really want to push myself to live life and not worry so much about making everything perfect.

I totally don't want this to come off as a lecture or anything of the sort, because this is a thing I struggle with myself every day. I just think that giving yourself permission to do what you want and be what you want is so important. Every day, I see this with customers who come to me with questions about sex: "Are my desires ok?" "Am I normal?" "Is it okay for me to be in this store/at this workshop/in my body?" And most of what I do at my job is give people permission, tell them YES, it is perfectly wonderful to be exactly who you are and to want exactly what you want. And don't worry so much about being normal, because there is no normal.

It's so easy for me to say this to customers, but sometimes hard for me to always apply it to my own life. I am a work in progress, and I struggle every day to remember that the beauty is in the process, not in the final product.

Amy's Reading List

Happy weekend! Here is a list of things on the Internet that made me happy this past week:

Feminist Ryan Gosling...always
A really exciting and wonderful blog post about a workshop I taught a couple of weeks ago (oops, can't link to it, then you all would know where I work! Email me for a link)
This NY Times article, which continues to be my inspiration for most of what I do
My wonderful friend Lucas who helped convince me to start this blog - especially when he writes posts like this
This awesome website about various methods of contraception, which is one of the most fun, beautiful and useful things I've ever seen in my life
This article on Jezebel about how maybe being a slut isn't such a bad thing after all
And last, but certainly not least, this groundbreaking piece of feminist theory

I might turn silly weekend posts like this into a thing. We'll see.

Also, here's a suspicious-looking teacup pig in rainboots:


And here's one sleeping (hopefully I will get some of this for myself soon, and then we will have more coherent posts!):

Somewhere Over the Rainbow...

Here's why I love the Wizard of Oz. It's not a love story. Not really. How often do you see a movie that features a beautiful girl in her late teens (Judy Garland was 16 when she played the role) who is NOT in the process of falling in love with someone or having someone fall in love with her? And whose life is not defined by romantic relationships with others? And who actually instead is exploring the way she fits into the world as an individual? And who goes on a journey by herself, making new friends along the way, and comes to a new appreciation of the life she already has? That is a story I can wrap my head around!

There's a lot of talk in the feminist community these days about the Bechdel test. A movie passes the Bechdel test if it:

1. Has at least two named women in it
2. Who talk to each other
3. About something other than men

Unsurprisingly, there are VERY few Hollywood movies that pass this test, and barely any before the last 25 or so years. But the Wizard of Oz does! There are Dorothy and Aunt Em, who talk about family, safety, rules, etc. There's Glinda the Good Witch, who gives Dorothy advice on how to go about her adventure and how to find her way home. There actually is not a single scene in the movie where any character talks about romance or being in love or anything of the sort. It's very refreshing, given how it's pretty much impossible to make a movie these days that doesn't involve romantic attachments.

Of course, the movie is imperfect. Don't even get me started on the virgin/whore dichotomy stuff inherent in the good witch/bad witch motif. But for now, I'll just happily watch the Munchkins (actually played by little people - take note, Snow White and the Huntsman) being awesome, be in love with the idea of a "horse of a different color," and gasp at the appropriate moment when we land in Oz and Technicolor appears for the first time ever! Ah, nostalgia.

Hello Gorgeous!

I love my body. I don't apologize for that, and I do consider it a revolutionary act. I didn't always love my body. It was a conscious decision that I made. It was a really tough decision, and it's one I continue to work on making every single minute of every single day.

Our world makes it SO hard to love your body. Body shame is EVERYWHERE! Whenever I turn on the TV or open a magazine (neither of which I do very often), someone is telling me about this great new thing I can do to my body to make it better, because right now it sucks. Or they're making fun of someone who has an "imperfect" body. When I hang out with my friends, they're talking about the most recent diet or exercise regimen they're on, or they're commiserating about the parts of their bodies they hate. You can't escape it!

And let's talk about that ideal of the "perfect" body. In college, I lived with a woman who was tall, blonde, skinny, leggy, and absolutely gorgeous. She could basically walk into any modeling agency in the world and book a gig in two seconds. So obviously she felt great about her body, right? No! She felt she was too tall, too skinny, etc.

As one of my coworkers said the other day, our bodies are never enough. No matter how hard we exercise or how well we eat or how good we look by societal standards (or any other standards), we will always feel that our bodies are imperfect. So I guess we have two choices: either spend our whole lives worrying about our bodies and trying to make them fit into this little box of "perfection" that doesn't actually exist. OR we accept that our bodies will always be imperfect, and we learn to LOVE those imperfections!

I know which one Ryan Gosling chooses:

Parents and Children and Sex - Oh My! (Part Two)

Wow, the week just totally got away from me! Sorry about that, loyal readers! Here is the promised second part of teaching kids about sex.

Okay, people don't like to think of kids as sexual beings, but they totally are! I have a friend who has a 1 year old, and last time I saw her, she remarked, "I had no idea that kids touch themselves so much!" Of course they do! Because it feels good and they haven't yet been taught to associate shame with those areas of their body. Wouldn't it be nice if people never learned to associate shame with their bodies...?
But when it comes to teaching kids about their bodies and pleasure, people get really squeamish about dispensing accurate information. I'm not saying that we should be encouraging people to have partnered sex at a young age (as I've discussed, I'm a fan of consensual partnered sex, and the legal age of consent is 18), but that's not all that sex education is about.

Even the youngest of children are entitled to learn about how their body parts work, including their reproductive organs. And yes, that involves learning about pleasure, but is that such a problem? Children are going to touch themselves in a sexual way anyway, it's just human instinct. Wouldn't it be great if they knew that it was healthy and good to give themselves pleasure, but that it's not ok for others to touch them in that way? We warn kids about "bad touch," but how do they know what that is if they don't have "good touch" to compare it to?

Another part of sex education that I think should be taught from day 1 is healthy communication. As I've mentioned, communication starts with self-esteem and knowing that you are entitled to ask for what you want, in the bedroom or otherwise. We try to teach children how to communicate with one another in a direct, clear and positive way, but we never connect that to sex, and I do think that we need to explicitly make that connection. If we model for children that it's okay and even preferable to have open and honest talks about sex, that will hopefully cause them to associate sex with accurate information rather than with shame. And that will lead not only to a healthy sexual relationship with their own body, but also to healthy interpersonal sexual and romantic relationships in the future.

Also...

HAPPY PRIDE!!!!!!!

Parents and Children and Sex - Oh My! (Part 1)

I spent this weekend with my family at a memorial service for my grandfather and his brother, who both passed away last year (don't worry, this is not a blog post about death). We spent Sunday afternoon at a lovely memorial luncheon that my dad organized, where everyone was sharing stories of my grandfather and great-uncle. They were a couple of characters, so a lot of the memories were very funny, colorful, poignant, sweet, all of the above.

Later that evening, still in a storytelling mood, I was sitting around with my immediate family, and we started telling stories about our sexual histories. Nothing too graphic, just things like first kiss stories, losing virginity stories, things that we somehow didn't know about each other. It's funny how you can know so many things about your parents' lives (where they grew up, where they worked, who their childhood friends were), but for a lot of families (mine included), sex is just not something that's discussed. Those particular stories and memories are not shared, I guess out of some sense of propriety or ickiness.

My family is actually a lot more open about sex than most families I know. It helps that I do the work that I do, because it's made everyone feel a little more comfortable talking about sexual issues in the abstract. But before this weekend, we still had not broken the barrier of sharing our own personal experiences with one another (with the fascinating exception of my mother sitting me down the day after my 16th birthday and telling me it was okay if I wanted to start having sex, she was doing it when she was my age. I actually wasn't having sex yet then. Awkward...)

It seems like a shame. Parents are models for so much of our lives, whether we want to follow their wonderful example or avoid their terrible example. With the whole world being so hush-hush about dispensing actually useful information about sex, it's a shame that we don't talk about these things with our parents. If we did, maybe we could learn from their experiences instead of having to figure everything out for ourselves as if it were the first time anyone ever had sex.

I know it can be a little weird to talk about personal sex stuff with your parents or children, but it's also a great way to get closer as a family. For my family, this could only really happen when all the kids were already grown up and living scattered all over the country. I wish that we'd started talking about things earlier, so I actually could have taken advantage of my parents' and sister's knowledge and experiences as I was learning about my own sexuality.

Of course, there is also a lot of concern in our society about what is and is not appropriate to teach children about sex, so that's going to be our topic for tomorrow! Just figured I'd start it off on a bit of a personal note.

Anyone have any stories about sex talks with your family? I'd love to hear them!