From the mailbox... (Oh and hey everyone else - if you want me to answer your questions, I would totally love to do that! Just email them to askamyaboutsex@gmail.com!)
My girlfriend and I only recently started dating. She has difficulty during sex with letting herself go and climaxing or even coming close. She gets uncomfortable with me "focusing on" her, as she puts it, but is generally okay "focusing on" me. What can I/we do to help her get more comfortable with herself around me?
Hey friend,
That sounds like an unpleasant situation for both of you! It sounds like there might be a number of things going on here, so the best way to figure out what's wrong is going to be to have an open and honest conversation about it. You know how I'm a pretty big fan of communication!
Lots of people (women especially) have difficulty coming to orgasm, and that is fine! It doesn't mean you're flawed, or that there's anything wrong with your body - it just means you're human. One thing that can really help is to take the pressure off the situation by not focusing so much on the orgasm. Instead, focus on the sexual journey. If you're having a good time, that's what's most important. Your partner's discomfort might be partially coming from a space of shame around not being able to orgasm regularly. Does she masturbate? Is she able to come from masturbation? If she takes the time to explore her own body and figure out what turns her on, then she can share that with you, and your sex will be that much better and not so laced with shame! This is a thing she can do on her own, and it's also a thing you can do together. I think mutual masturbation can be really great for relationships, because you learn more about each others' bodies and how you like to stimulate yourselves. It's also really hot to be able to watch your super sexy partner touching their own body!
The other thing that might be going on here is just a matter of prioritizing sex. If your partner only wants to "focus on" you, she might be coming from a space of obligation rather than enthusiastic participation. Sometimes we can be really tired or really stressed about work/school/family, and it's hard to get in the mood to have sex. With all the best intentions in the world, we think to ourselves, "Well, it's not fair to deny my partner pleasure just because I'm not in the mood. So I'll just help him get off real quick, then I'll go back to being stressed." Sadly, our partner can usually see right through us and see that we're not really enjoying ourselves. I think at least half of the fun of sex comes from seeing the pleasure you're giving someone else, so when we get in our stressed-out place, we're denying our partner the pleasure of seeing OUR pleasure. We're also denying ourselves potential stress release - boo!
It can be helpful to put aside a time for sex. That way, you can plan ahead and say, "Okay, for this couple of hours two nights from now, I am going to put aside the rest of my life and focus on my partner and my body and pleasure." We schedule everything else - meetings, lunch with friends, doctor appointments - because they are priorities. Well, sex should be a priority too, but we often expect it to just be spontaneous, which means it doesn't end up happening, or when it does come up, one or both people are just not in the mood. Scheduling sex doesn't make it less sexy - it can actually make it more sexy! You can spend the whole next two days (or however long) building up the excitement through fantasizing, dirty texting, primping, etc. Putting aside this time specifically for sex might help your partner be more in the moment rather than worrying about everything else in life.
The last thing I want to talk about here is compromise, the backbone of every relationship. When you talk with your partner about this issue, some things might come up that you don't want to hear. Maybe she's uncomfortable with her body, for any number of reasons (lots of women are). Maybe she's just not a fan of oral sex. Maybe she only comes when she's using vibration, and she wants to bring toys into the bedroom. As in all communication, the most important things are: 1) Know what you want, and don't be afraid to ask for it. and 2) Actively listen to your partner and try to give them what they want if possible. Compromises are really important and can be a great way to grow as a couple. But they can also sometimes lead to resentment if one person ends up giving up something that they really need in a relationship. So going into this conversation, know what you are and are not willing to negotiate about. And stick to that!
A coworker and I were talking recently about how the most important thing you can bring to the table in a relationship is a knowledge of your own self-worth. In other words, know what you need and know that you are deserving enough to ask for what you need and for someone to make a compromise in order to give you what you need. If both of you are coming at this conversation from a place of self-worth, you will definitely be able to have a productive conversation about it.
Hope this helps a little! Best of luck!
Love and kisses,
Amy
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