As a sex educator, I pride myself on being really openminded about all things sexual. That's why it's always a bit unsettling when I find myself being judgmental about something when there's no need for it. Luckily, my second reaction (after feeling unsettled) is to see it as an exciting opportunity to confront my own prejudice, figure out the reasoning behind it, and hopefully become more openminded as a result! Yay learning from experience! So here we go.
There is a huge social taboo when it comes to dating outside of the socially accepted age range (depending on who you ask, I believe the standard is:
your age/2 +7 = lower end of age range,
your age-7 * 2 = upper end of age range
My age range would therefore be 20-36 - you do the math).
Because this is an issue I was really judgmental about myself until recently (and still struggle with, by the way), I definitely understand the reasons for this taboo. We worry about pedophilia, we worry about implicit power dynamics, people being coerced, people using people, maturity/life experience gap, etc. These are all legitimate concerns, and I've actually known quite a few young people who became involved in unhealthy relationships with older people, and one or both people generally end up getting hurt (big part of the reason for my personal prejudice).
What this social taboo fails to take into account is that sometimes people of vastly different ages are actually really compatible with each other. Emotional age and physical age are not at all the same thing, which means that a 40-something and a 20-something can actually be at a similar level of maturity. The bottom line for me is that 18 is the age of consent, and therefore once you're over 18, as long as it's consensual, it's cool with me. And there's nothing inherently wrong with dating someone much older or younger than you! Yes, sometimes these relationships are unhealthy for all sorts of reasons, but I know plenty of totally unhealthy relationships where both people are the same age, so who's to say that it actually makes any difference? Theory: If relationships where both people are the same age can be healthy OR unhealthy, then relationships with a large age gap can also be healthy OR unhealthy. Crazy, I know.
So why would you want to date/sleep with someone who's way older or way younger than you? Well, let's explore that. Having an older partner can be nice because older partners can be more mature and have more stability in their lives than younger partners. Whether your life is a mess and it's comforting to be with someone who's got it more together, or whether you're very together for your age and are fed up with everyone else being a mess, stability can definitely be attractive. It can also be nice to feel like you're being taken care of. For some people, this can be an uncomfortable power dynamic, sure, but remember - power dynamics exist in every relationship, and caregiving is usually the most unbalanced power dynamic in any relationship (other than money, I suppose, which is related to caregiving anyway). And there's nothing wrong with wanting to feel taken care of!
People more easily see the benefit of having a younger partner, because we live in a super ageist society that values youth and beauty over pretty much everything else. Aside from the "hot young thing" phenomenon, I think it can be really refreshing to date someone a lot younger. It can remind you that you're still young at heart. It can be really fun to act younger than you are (not in a weird way, just in a giving yourself permission to be silly way) and to shake things up a bit, especially if you feel like you're stagnating (which many people do at some point in life). Having a partner who's much older or younger than you is also a great way to gain new perspective on the world. As someone who's a big fan of learning through relationships, I love the idea of getting to experience the world from a different perspective!
Here's my newly revised opinion on age differences and dating/sex: It's just the same as dating someone who's different from you in any other way (race, socioeconomic class, religion, etc.). It's not going to be easy, and people are going to judge you a lot. But the truth is that no one ever knows the true nature of a relationship except the people involved in the relationship. Therefore, no one's judgment should really matter except your own and your partner's, so if the person or the sex or the relationship is worth it to you, go forth and love!
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