Kinky Mail

Yay, someone sent me questions! Here is an answer to one of them (which is super long, but only barely scratches the surface of the topic discussed). If you also have questions you want to send me, please do! See the right side of this page for details!

I have recently discovered I'm kinky. I still haven't talked to anyone about it, and I don't know exactly the extent of my interests. I want to explore light bondage and easier things like that, but I don't currently have a partner. It feels like an awkward thing to bring up on a random hook-up, or even a new partner. How can I explore this side of myself?

-Seeking Out Licentious Orgasms

Hi SOLO friend,

I'm so excited for you to have wonderful kinky adventures! It's totally okay that you don't have a partner right now, because I'm sure you're awesome all by yourself, and also the first step on this journey is to learn as much as you can about kink, which is a thing you can do just as well on your own. Also, since you don't have a partner to pressure you to want or not want certain things, look at this time as a great opportunity to have an honest conversation with yourself about what you do and do not want to explore.

The overall category of kink (or BDSM, which stands for Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, Sadism/Masochism) is a really really big umbrella category that covers a whole lot of topics. It covers things like  power play, sensation play, impact play, bondage, role play, and much much more. It's totally fine to be into some aspects of kinky sex and not others, and learning lots about different parts of kink is a good way to figure out which things you might be into.

Another useful thing to know about kink is that there is a thriving underground community of people who are into kinky sex! And it is one of the most wonderfully supportive and caring communities around! So look up resources in your community where you can learn more about the kink scene near you. There are probably classes you can take, play parties you can attend (probably as an observer at first, then as a participant later if you want!), and really fun and interesting people you can connect with. The Eulenspiegel Society (TES) is a great place to start - they're a really well-established New York-based BDSM support and education group. On their website, they list resources in New York and around the country - mostly located in or near big cities. But I promise, there are kinky people everywhere! Sometimes you just have to do a little research to find out what's going on near you.

So kinky sex can be practiced within the kink community, but kink is also something you can incorporate into otherwise vanilla sex (vanilla sex = not kinky sex - I don't see it as a derogatory term, just a different flavor, if you will!), which is a really great way to get started, and also a really great thing to do in and of itself, not necessarily as an introduction to the community. 

The single most important thing when it comes to kink (and all sex - if you've been reading this blog regularly, you should know what I'm about to say. All together now?) - COMMUNICATION. A lot of kinky sex play is about negotiating the limits of what people find sexy and pleasurable. That's why consent is so important for these activities. And not just consent like "I asked and she said she guessed it was okay, so that's not a no" kind of consent. I'm a fan of ENTHUSIASTIC CONSENT when it comes to all kinds of sex, and particularly kinky sex. That means both people are really excited about whatever's happening and are constantly letting their partner know how excited they are before, during, and after playtime. The BDSM community likes their kinky play to be "safe, sane and consensual" - meaning you're being mindful of one another's safety, you're not drunk/on drugs/in any altered state of mind, and everyone's into it!

A great way to get in touch with your own desires and later communicate them to a partner is by using a Yes/No/Maybe list. This is a list of all the activities you can think of (kinky, sexy, or otherwise). Here's a really excellent example! You make three columns - Yes, No, and Maybe. In the Yes column, put all the activities you are excited about and want to try. In the No column, put everything that doesn't turn you on or you're not interested in exploring. And in the Maybe column, put activities that you might want to try under certain conditions, or might want to learn more about before trying, or anything that isn't a clear Yes or No. Whenever you do get together with a partner, you can compare your lists and have a conversation about what activities you might like to try. It's a great way to focus on the activity itself and take the pressure off of you and your partner. It's also important to note that our desires change over time, so the Yes/No/Maybe list can totally change too, and that's great! It's a nice thing to keep coming back to over time.

My final note to you, my SOLO friend, is about safety. Safety is crucial when you're exploring kinky activities - as with safer sex in general, know your risks! Read up! When you're tying someone up, use something that is not going to tighten and cut off circulation (restraints/thick rope/bondage tape = good, metal handcuffs/thin rope/silk ties (Mr. Grey) = bad). Don't leave someone alone when they're tied up. Don't tie someone's hands over their head for more than ten minutes (circulation, people!). DO use a safeword. Always. And don't have it be "No" or "Stop."

And finally, have fun! This stuff is called "play" for a reason! Open your mind to new things and new people! Enjoy the process of exploring and learning more about your own desires and other people's desires and the incredibly diverse expressions of human sexuality that exist in the world! And then come back and tell me all about it. :-D

And my favorite kind of kinky sex: