Nontraditional Relationships

Oh, hey there blogosphere! Sorry I disappeared for awhile. I actually wrote a really great post the other day and didn't save it, and then my computer froze and it got lost forever :-( So that bummed me out for a while. But here's my recreation of that post, which is slightly less brilliant, but hopefully still pretty okay.

Despite what Facebook may say, there are three main relationship statuses that are actually considered "normal" by most people - single, in a committed monogamous relationship, and married. All three of these options are great ways that people can define relationships to themselves and others. However, as with everything else in life, when we try to fit the vast variety of human experience into a severely limited collection of narrow boxes, much of it doesn't fit! Which leaves lots of people feeling dissatisfied.

After three years of working in an incredibly sex-positive, openminded environment, I'm only now beginning to explore how something outside of these three options might work for me. It's amazing that it took me so long to get to this point. But oh my goodness, is it a liberating feeling!

The key to breaking out of the narrow box system is, of course...communication! (I realize I'm a bit of a one-trick pony with this. But it's SUCH a good trick!) It's easy to say "Okay, we're married now, so we know exactly what the expectations are there." But marriage doesn't have to look the same for everyone. Maybe you prefer a nonmonogamous marriage - that's cool! Maybe you want a marriage that is sexually exclusive, but you can go on dates with other people. Maybe you want a marriage where you can have sex with other people, but only as a couple, not as individuals. All of these are totally legitimate options, no matter what conservatives might say! The thing about personal relationships is that they are PERSONAL, between people, so you and your partner(s) get to decide what each of you wants out of the relationship and come to some consensus about what works best for everyone involved. No social pressures involved, and no worrying about what's "normal." What a great gift! And what a huge responsibility!

The first things to think about are: what do you want to contribute to a relationship, and what can your partner contribute to you? It's pretty unrealistic to expect one person to meet all of your needs - emotional, sexual, physical, mental, etc. That's also a lot of pressure to put on each person involved and on the relationship. Why do you think the divorce rate is so high? Maybe there's someone in your life who you have excellent sex with, but you're not really feeling the emotional connection - do you give up the excellent sex just because of that? Or what about someone you feel a strong emotional connection with, but the sex is just eh? Despite what romantic comedies teach us, it is totally okay to have a conversation with someone where you say, "Hey, I feel really emotionally connected to you, but I'm just not that sexually attracted to you right now. Can we work with that?" Who knows, maybe they're feeling exactly the same way!

You might say, this is risky! People could get hurt! Crazy Amy...

Yes, this is risky. So is life! People can get hurt doing anything - it might as well be while you're being honest with yourself and other people. But here's how to avoid getting hurt, at least a bit. Sit down with yourself and be really honest about what you want from a relationship and what your boundaries are. Do you want a partner to share your life? Do you want a companion to have fun with? Do you want someone really hot who you can bang on a regular basis? Do you want relationships with multiple people, and if so, how do you want that to work? Do you want to be by yourself right now? If you're being honest with yourself and others, and they're being honest with you, it's far less likely that someone will get hurt, and far more likely that you'll be able to figure out what style of relationship works for you. Wow, it's really amazing what a dose of open and honest communication can do for you!!