The Realism Conundrum

Here's an issue that comes up all the time when people are buying sex toys: Do they want something realistic (i.e. that looks like a penis/vulva), or do they want something non-realistic? People decide one way or the other for all sorts of different and totally legitimate reasons, but there tend to be really strong opinions about this. I find some of the reasoning absolutely fascinating, so let's explore, shall we? I've encountered two major schools of thought:

1) If I stick something in my body (or if I stick my dick in something) that looks like a realistic depiction of a penis/vulva, I will be effectively replacing my partner. People use this both as a reason not to buy something realistic ("I don't want my partner to feel threatened!") and as a reason to do just that ("Who needs a boyfriend/girlfriend when I have this toy?").

2) If I stick something in my body (or if I stick my dick in something) that does NOT look like a realistic depiction of a penis/vulva, I am SO KINKY and I will never not be a sexual deviant ever again! On the other side of this school of thought are the people who think vibrating hot pink bananas are awesome.

So in response to School of Thought #1, a toy does not replace a partner. It just doesn't. Believe me, my current primary sexual partner is out of town at the moment, and my toys are trying really hard, but are not at all sufficing, to replace the intimacy that comes along with an actual person. Although I understand where the insecurity about sex toys comes from, given their depiction in pop culture, your partner does not need to feel threatened by a toy. I'm kind of intrigued by the positive side of School of Thought #1 ("Who needs a partner?"). It's empowering, which is awesome, but I think it's also a little misguided, because while a toy can bring you sexual pleasure, it really won't replace a good partner. If a toy is good enough to replace your partner, maybe you need a better partner. Yeah, I think that's a good motto...

In response to School of Thought #2, there is nothing wrong with being kinky! Please be as kinky as you want to be! As long as it's consensual and between adults, all expressions of human desire are wonderful and should be celebrated! I celebrate your kinkiness, even if no one else does! And people might disagree with me on this (please feel free to start a discussion in comments if you do!), but I think kink is more about an attitude toward sex than it is about what toys you bring into the bedroom. In other words, buying some leather bondage gear does not in and of itself make you kinky (take note, Fifty Shades of Grey couples! Just kidding, love you so much, you make my days so fabulously interesting!). Kink is about deriving pleasure from certain activities that are outside the "mainstream" of sexuality. This could be another whole blog post sometime, but for now, let's just differentiate between owning toys and being kinky, because they are totally different things!

And for those on the positive side of this school of thought, yes, vibrating hot pink bananas are indeed awesome.