Aha, the long awaited discussion of communication! This is so not all I have to say about this topic, so there will be more to come, but here's a start. (P.S. This post is a little longer than usual because I didn't post yesterday.)
I used to be really into playing games when it came to dating. You know, the whole "OMG, what does this person think of me? Instead of asking them directly, let me ask all their friends, glean as much information as I can from their Facebook page/Livejournal (remember those?), and basically do anything I possibly can to avoid actually talking to them." As you can probably tell from my tone, I'm pretty much over that. But there are a lot of people who aren't!
I've been reading the Fifty Shades of Grey books. Yes, I have. I have not been reading them for pleasure, I've been reading them for work. I find the books incredibly poorly written and pretty darn offensive to the kink community, and I can't stand either of the two protagonists. However, I think there's a conversation to be had about the type of communication that is modeled in the books, and that pretty much mirrors a lot of what I see with the couples I interact with at work.
Communication (about sex, but also in general) starts with self-esteem and with trust. These things go together, they're not mutually exclusive. There is the self-esteem element, which consists of knowing that you have worth as a person and therefore it's okay to have wants and needs, and knowing that it's also okay to express those wants and needs to another person who's in a position to fulfill them. Then there is the trust element, which is where you trust your partner to be understanding and supportive of your desires.
When it comes to romance/dating/sex, we are told all the time that we're not enough. Whether it's the next big diet trend, the next Cosmo "secret spot on his body that you're not stimulating because you suck at sex," or the constant mocking of any type of marginalized desires (homosexuality, fetishes, kink, etc.), how can we possibly be expected to have any sort of self-esteem, especially when it comes to sex? And with the state of the sex education system in this country (which is another blog post entirely), no one knows anything about how their body works or how to sexually satisfy themselves or others, so of course we all have zero confidence in our sexual abilities.
In Fifty Shades, Christian and Ana have no self-esteem. Either of them. They both think of themselves as inherently flawed, and neither of them thinks that they deserve the other. This is a terrible way to start a relationship. As someone really wise once said, you can't love other people unless you love yourself first. There's no trust in this relationship either. No matter how much they say they love each other (which is pretty much half the book), they never believe each other, because each of them thinks they are not worthy of love. THAT is "fifty shades of fucked up."
The Fifty Shades books, I suppose, are not all bad. They are somehow getting people excited about kinky sex and making it more of a mainstream, acceptable thing to be into. I'm a fan of anything that encourages people to explore their sexuality and open their minds (though I'm really not sure how much these books actually do that). So yes to all of that, but next time a sexy book turns into an overnight sensation, please let it have a healthy model of communication that doesn't encourage every single insecurity people have ever had when it comes to relationships! Pretty please? With a flogger on top?
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