Exploration and Consent

Consent is a theme that constantly comes up when I'm talking about sex (which is a lot of the time!). As I've mentioned before, I see any sex act as a wonderful thing as long as it occurs between consenting adults, so consent is kind of a big deal for me. I was talking with someone the other day, and they were asking me lots of questions about exploring various new things in bed. All of their questions essentially boiled down to "What do I do if my partner doesn't want to try something new in bed with me?"

I totally support exploring new sex acts/sensations/toys/experiences on your own and with a partner, and I know that sometimes a partner can be reluctant to try something new, so I do have a few suggestions on how to handle this situation. Sometimes it's just about reframing the sex act, focusing on the benefits for each of you individually and together. Sometimes it's about making it clear that trying something once doesn't mean you're committing to keep doing that thing all the time. And sometimes it's about communicating to your partner how much this particular sex act turns you on and how excited you are to share it with them.

But the bottom line is that we all need to respect each other's boundaries. There's a big difference between a partnership where two people are exploring their sexual desires together and a partnership where one person is pressuring their partner to do something they don't want to do. There's a really simple label for initiating a sex act without a partner's consent or bullying a partner into consenting - it's called rape, and it is NEVER okay. (For a really excellent read on rape culture and reframing how we think about consent, check out Jaclyn Friedman and Jessica Valenti's book Yes Means Yes.) If someone is a little intimidated or unsure about trying something in bed, then yes, totally have a conversation about what their concerns are. Maybe there's something really simple you can do to make your partner feel more at ease. But if you've had that conversation and your partner still doesn't want to do that thing, just don't do it.

We all have boundaries, and we all have different things that turn us on and turn us off. And these boundaries sometimes change over time as we change and grow as sexual beings, and that's okay too! If you want to be in a healthy sexual relationship, you need to be aware and respectful of your partner's boundaries. So please explore all the many possible expressions of human sexuality, and enjoy your exploration! But on your journey, only take people along for the ride if they're totally enthusiastic about being there!