Saturday, June 30, 2012
Parents and Children and Sex - Oh My! (Part Two)
Wow, the week just totally got away from me! Sorry about that, loyal readers! Here is the promised second part of teaching kids about sex.
Okay, people don't like to think of kids as sexual beings, but they totally are! I have a friend who has a 1 year old, and last time I saw her, she remarked, "I had no idea that kids touch themselves so much!" Of course they do! Because it feels good and they haven't yet been taught to associate shame with those areas of their body. Wouldn't it be nice if people never learned to associate shame with their bodies...?
But when it comes to teaching kids about their bodies and pleasure, people get really squeamish about dispensing accurate information. I'm not saying that we should be encouraging people to have partnered sex at a young age (as I've discussed, I'm a fan of consensual partnered sex, and the legal age of consent is 18), but that's not all that sex education is about.
Even the youngest of children are entitled to learn about how their body parts work, including their reproductive organs. And yes, that involves learning about pleasure, but is that such a problem? Children are going to touch themselves in a sexual way anyway, it's just human instinct. Wouldn't it be great if they knew that it was healthy and good to give themselves pleasure, but that it's not ok for others to touch them in that way? We warn kids about "bad touch," but how do they know what that is if they don't have "good touch" to compare it to?
Another part of sex education that I think should be taught from day 1 is healthy communication. As I've mentioned, communication starts with self-esteem and knowing that you are entitled to ask for what you want, in the bedroom or otherwise. We try to teach children how to communicate with one another in a direct, clear and positive way, but we never connect that to sex, and I do think that we need to explicitly make that connection. If we model for children that it's okay and even preferable to have open and honest talks about sex, that will hopefully cause them to associate sex with accurate information rather than with shame. And that will lead not only to a healthy sexual relationship with their own body, but also to healthy interpersonal sexual and romantic relationships in the future.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Parents and Children and Sex - Oh My! (Part 1)
I spent this weekend with my family at a memorial service for my grandfather and his brother, who both passed away last year (don't worry, this is not a blog post about death). We spent Sunday afternoon at a lovely memorial luncheon that my dad organized, where everyone was sharing stories of my grandfather and great-uncle. They were a couple of characters, so a lot of the memories were very funny, colorful, poignant, sweet, all of the above.
Later that evening, still in a storytelling mood, I was sitting around with my immediate family, and we started telling stories about our sexual histories. Nothing too graphic, just things like first kiss stories, losing virginity stories, things that we somehow didn't know about each other. It's funny how you can know so many things about your parents' lives (where they grew up, where they worked, who their childhood friends were), but for a lot of families (mine included), sex is just not something that's discussed. Those particular stories and memories are not shared, I guess out of some sense of propriety or ickiness.
My family is actually a lot more open about sex than most families I know. It helps that I do the work that I do, because it's made everyone feel a little more comfortable talking about sexual issues in the abstract. But before this weekend, we still had not broken the barrier of sharing our own personal experiences with one another (with the fascinating exception of my mother sitting me down the day after my 16th birthday and telling me it was okay if I wanted to start having sex, she was doing it when she was my age. I actually wasn't having sex yet then. Awkward...)
It seems like a shame. Parents are models for so much of our lives, whether we want to follow their wonderful example or avoid their terrible example. With the whole world being so hush-hush about dispensing actually useful information about sex, it's a shame that we don't talk about these things with our parents. If we did, maybe we could learn from their experiences instead of having to figure everything out for ourselves as if it were the first time anyone ever had sex.
I know it can be a little weird to talk about personal sex stuff with your parents or children, but it's also a great way to get closer as a family. For my family, this could only really happen when all the kids were already grown up and living scattered all over the country. I wish that we'd started talking about things earlier, so I actually could have taken advantage of my parents' and sister's knowledge and experiences as I was learning about my own sexuality.
Of course, there is also a lot of concern in our society about what is and is not appropriate to teach children about sex, so that's going to be our topic for tomorrow! Just figured I'd start it off on a bit of a personal note.
Anyone have any stories about sex talks with your family? I'd love to hear them!
Later that evening, still in a storytelling mood, I was sitting around with my immediate family, and we started telling stories about our sexual histories. Nothing too graphic, just things like first kiss stories, losing virginity stories, things that we somehow didn't know about each other. It's funny how you can know so many things about your parents' lives (where they grew up, where they worked, who their childhood friends were), but for a lot of families (mine included), sex is just not something that's discussed. Those particular stories and memories are not shared, I guess out of some sense of propriety or ickiness.
My family is actually a lot more open about sex than most families I know. It helps that I do the work that I do, because it's made everyone feel a little more comfortable talking about sexual issues in the abstract. But before this weekend, we still had not broken the barrier of sharing our own personal experiences with one another (with the fascinating exception of my mother sitting me down the day after my 16th birthday and telling me it was okay if I wanted to start having sex, she was doing it when she was my age. I actually wasn't having sex yet then. Awkward...)
It seems like a shame. Parents are models for so much of our lives, whether we want to follow their wonderful example or avoid their terrible example. With the whole world being so hush-hush about dispensing actually useful information about sex, it's a shame that we don't talk about these things with our parents. If we did, maybe we could learn from their experiences instead of having to figure everything out for ourselves as if it were the first time anyone ever had sex.
I know it can be a little weird to talk about personal sex stuff with your parents or children, but it's also a great way to get closer as a family. For my family, this could only really happen when all the kids were already grown up and living scattered all over the country. I wish that we'd started talking about things earlier, so I actually could have taken advantage of my parents' and sister's knowledge and experiences as I was learning about my own sexuality.
Of course, there is also a lot of concern in our society about what is and is not appropriate to teach children about sex, so that's going to be our topic for tomorrow! Just figured I'd start it off on a bit of a personal note.
Anyone have any stories about sex talks with your family? I'd love to hear them!
Friday, June 22, 2012
Why I Sometimes Want Dan Savage's Job
Here's what Dan Savage can do that I can't: If the answer to a situation is to end the relationship, he can say that. Because I am a sex educator and not a relationship counselor, I am not allowed to tell people to dump their partner, even if it's SO clear that that is the answer.
Okay, back up. Every relationship is different, and I never know the full story, so how could I possibly infer from people's questions about sex that they have a "bad relationship?" Also, Dan Savage sometimes acts like an asshole. Fair points, both of them.
But there are certain things that I think are crucial for a healthy relationship. The main one is communication. If you and your partner can't communicate with one another, it means there is no trust. At best, this means that you can't figure out what your partner wants or tell them what you want, so you won't be able to make each other happy in bed or in life. At worst, this leads to broken hearts and ruined lives. Not a recipe for success!
So when I encounter a person who wants to try a particular sex act or toy but can't talk to their partner about it for whatever reason, I'm pretty sure this is just a small symptom of a much bigger problem in the relationship. The same goes for people being jealous of their partner's sex toys (which happens way more often than you'd think), people being resistant to learning more about how to please their partner, and all the many issues that come up when someone suggests a threesome or an open relationship (which are both things that I fully support under the right circumstances).
Luckily, this is my blog, so I make the rules about what I can and can't say. Yay! So here's what I think (and you will never hear me say this at my day job): If you want to talk about something and feel like you can't bring it up with your partner because of __(insert reason here)__, the time has come to DUMP THEM. There are so many wonderful people in the world who will listen to you and respect you, so why settle for anything less? This all comes back to knowing that you are awesome and that you deserve someone who appreciates your awesomeness!
Also, read this, because it's the best thing I've read all day and I agree with it wholeheartedly!
Okay, back up. Every relationship is different, and I never know the full story, so how could I possibly infer from people's questions about sex that they have a "bad relationship?" Also, Dan Savage sometimes acts like an asshole. Fair points, both of them.
But there are certain things that I think are crucial for a healthy relationship. The main one is communication. If you and your partner can't communicate with one another, it means there is no trust. At best, this means that you can't figure out what your partner wants or tell them what you want, so you won't be able to make each other happy in bed or in life. At worst, this leads to broken hearts and ruined lives. Not a recipe for success!
So when I encounter a person who wants to try a particular sex act or toy but can't talk to their partner about it for whatever reason, I'm pretty sure this is just a small symptom of a much bigger problem in the relationship. The same goes for people being jealous of their partner's sex toys (which happens way more often than you'd think), people being resistant to learning more about how to please their partner, and all the many issues that come up when someone suggests a threesome or an open relationship (which are both things that I fully support under the right circumstances).
Luckily, this is my blog, so I make the rules about what I can and can't say. Yay! So here's what I think (and you will never hear me say this at my day job): If you want to talk about something and feel like you can't bring it up with your partner because of __(insert reason here)__, the time has come to DUMP THEM. There are so many wonderful people in the world who will listen to you and respect you, so why settle for anything less? This all comes back to knowing that you are awesome and that you deserve someone who appreciates your awesomeness!
Also, read this, because it's the best thing I've read all day and I agree with it wholeheartedly!
Thursday, June 21, 2012
What It Takes to Squash a Bug
Here's a true story. The other night, my roommate and I were sitting on the couch talking. I was already ready for bed, so I was sitting in a T-shirt and underwear, and my roomie was fully clothed. At one point in the conversation, I suddenly noticed movement on the wall behind my roommate's face. She saw the look on my face and came to the other side of the couch, where we both sat staring in horror at the giant waterbug crawling around on our wall. As we stood, paralyzed with indecision, I instinctively blurted out, "I'm not wearing any pants!" My roommate said, "I know, I'll get it, I just need to do something first." And she marched into her bedroom, where she put on a cute pair of shoes, then came out and killed the bug with a magazine.
Now I'm not normally the super squeamish type when it comes to bugs. In my current apartment, I'm usually the one to deal with it because my roomie can't stand them. But somehow, the fact that I was in my underwear made me feel exposed and helpless.
This is, of course, ridiculous. Whether or not I'm wearing pants has absolutely no effect on my bug-squashing ability. But there's something about nudity that makes us feel vulnerable. Even my roomie, fully clothed, needed to have shoes on her feet in order to build her confidence enough to take action.
We have such an interesting relationship with clothing. We treat it as decoration, as protection from the elements, as a means of self-expression, and sometimes as a weapon. I am a huge fan of nudity and would generally always rather be naked than clothed, yet when it comes to bugs (and many social situations), I feel much less confident without the protection of clothing.
I think the many various ways people protect themselves from feeling vulnerable are so fascinating, and not always grounded in anything rational. We don't even necessarily know what our vulnerabilities are until they actually come up in real life. So I guess I've now learned that for me, it's really important to not be naked when I'm going to kill a bug. Useful life lesson...?
Now I'm not normally the super squeamish type when it comes to bugs. In my current apartment, I'm usually the one to deal with it because my roomie can't stand them. But somehow, the fact that I was in my underwear made me feel exposed and helpless.
This is, of course, ridiculous. Whether or not I'm wearing pants has absolutely no effect on my bug-squashing ability. But there's something about nudity that makes us feel vulnerable. Even my roomie, fully clothed, needed to have shoes on her feet in order to build her confidence enough to take action.
We have such an interesting relationship with clothing. We treat it as decoration, as protection from the elements, as a means of self-expression, and sometimes as a weapon. I am a huge fan of nudity and would generally always rather be naked than clothed, yet when it comes to bugs (and many social situations), I feel much less confident without the protection of clothing.
I think the many various ways people protect themselves from feeling vulnerable are so fascinating, and not always grounded in anything rational. We don't even necessarily know what our vulnerabilities are until they actually come up in real life. So I guess I've now learned that for me, it's really important to not be naked when I'm going to kill a bug. Useful life lesson...?
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Communication and Self-Esteem
Aha, the long awaited discussion of communication! This is so not all I have to say about this topic, so there will be more to come, but here's a start. (P.S. This post is a little longer than usual because I didn't post yesterday.)
I used to be really into playing games when it came to dating. You know, the whole "OMG, what does this person think of me? Instead of asking them directly, let me ask all their friends, glean as much information as I can from their Facebook page/Livejournal (remember those?), and basically do anything I possibly can to avoid actually talking to them." As you can probably tell from my tone, I'm pretty much over that. But there are a lot of people who aren't!
I've been reading the Fifty Shades of Grey books. Yes, I have. I have not been reading them for pleasure, I've been reading them for work. I find the books incredibly poorly written and pretty darn offensive to the kink community, and I can't stand either of the two protagonists. However, I think there's a conversation to be had about the type of communication that is modeled in the books, and that pretty much mirrors a lot of what I see with the couples I interact with at work.
Communication (about sex, but also in general) starts with self-esteem and with trust. These things go together, they're not mutually exclusive. There is the self-esteem element, which consists of knowing that you have worth as a person and therefore it's okay to have wants and needs, and knowing that it's also okay to express those wants and needs to another person who's in a position to fulfill them. Then there is the trust element, which is where you trust your partner to be understanding and supportive of your desires.
When it comes to romance/dating/sex, we are told all the time that we're not enough. Whether it's the next big diet trend, the next Cosmo "secret spot on his body that you're not stimulating because you suck at sex," or the constant mocking of any type of marginalized desires (homosexuality, fetishes, kink, etc.), how can we possibly be expected to have any sort of self-esteem, especially when it comes to sex? And with the state of the sex education system in this country (which is another blog post entirely), no one knows anything about how their body works or how to sexually satisfy themselves or others, so of course we all have zero confidence in our sexual abilities.
In Fifty Shades, Christian and Ana have no self-esteem. Either of them. They both think of themselves as inherently flawed, and neither of them thinks that they deserve the other. This is a terrible way to start a relationship. As someone really wise once said, you can't love other people unless you love yourself first. There's no trust in this relationship either. No matter how much they say they love each other (which is pretty much half the book), they never believe each other, because each of them thinks they are not worthy of love. THAT is "fifty shades of fucked up."
The Fifty Shades books, I suppose, are not all bad. They are somehow getting people excited about kinky sex and making it more of a mainstream, acceptable thing to be into. I'm a fan of anything that encourages people to explore their sexuality and open their minds (though I'm really not sure how much these books actually do that). So yes to all of that, but next time a sexy book turns into an overnight sensation, please let it have a healthy model of communication that doesn't encourage every single insecurity people have ever had when it comes to relationships! Pretty please? With a flogger on top?
I used to be really into playing games when it came to dating. You know, the whole "OMG, what does this person think of me? Instead of asking them directly, let me ask all their friends, glean as much information as I can from their Facebook page/Livejournal (remember those?), and basically do anything I possibly can to avoid actually talking to them." As you can probably tell from my tone, I'm pretty much over that. But there are a lot of people who aren't!
I've been reading the Fifty Shades of Grey books. Yes, I have. I have not been reading them for pleasure, I've been reading them for work. I find the books incredibly poorly written and pretty darn offensive to the kink community, and I can't stand either of the two protagonists. However, I think there's a conversation to be had about the type of communication that is modeled in the books, and that pretty much mirrors a lot of what I see with the couples I interact with at work.
Communication (about sex, but also in general) starts with self-esteem and with trust. These things go together, they're not mutually exclusive. There is the self-esteem element, which consists of knowing that you have worth as a person and therefore it's okay to have wants and needs, and knowing that it's also okay to express those wants and needs to another person who's in a position to fulfill them. Then there is the trust element, which is where you trust your partner to be understanding and supportive of your desires.
When it comes to romance/dating/sex, we are told all the time that we're not enough. Whether it's the next big diet trend, the next Cosmo "secret spot on his body that you're not stimulating because you suck at sex," or the constant mocking of any type of marginalized desires (homosexuality, fetishes, kink, etc.), how can we possibly be expected to have any sort of self-esteem, especially when it comes to sex? And with the state of the sex education system in this country (which is another blog post entirely), no one knows anything about how their body works or how to sexually satisfy themselves or others, so of course we all have zero confidence in our sexual abilities.
In Fifty Shades, Christian and Ana have no self-esteem. Either of them. They both think of themselves as inherently flawed, and neither of them thinks that they deserve the other. This is a terrible way to start a relationship. As someone really wise once said, you can't love other people unless you love yourself first. There's no trust in this relationship either. No matter how much they say they love each other (which is pretty much half the book), they never believe each other, because each of them thinks they are not worthy of love. THAT is "fifty shades of fucked up."
The Fifty Shades books, I suppose, are not all bad. They are somehow getting people excited about kinky sex and making it more of a mainstream, acceptable thing to be into. I'm a fan of anything that encourages people to explore their sexuality and open their minds (though I'm really not sure how much these books actually do that). So yes to all of that, but next time a sexy book turns into an overnight sensation, please let it have a healthy model of communication that doesn't encourage every single insecurity people have ever had when it comes to relationships! Pretty please? With a flogger on top?
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Sex Toys For Survival!!
My coworker and I were bored at work the other day, so we started playing the old classic sex shop employee favorite: "If you were stranded on a desert island and could only bring products from the store to ensure your survival, what would you bring?"
Fun distraction on a boring Monday, and also a fun and creative way to think outside the box about the products we sell!
We started with the basics - food source. What has the most nutrients in the store? Probably the edible body chocolate. Okay, so that's coming. What about water? Once the creative juices started flowing, we started designing a water filtering device using a large penis pump cylinder. There was also speculation about whether the water component of lube could be separated from the other ingredients. I think that would require further research. Hmmm, shelter. Luckily, we have a waterproof blanket (stain-free sex!) that is actually probably one of the most useful products we've explored so far! No getting rained on here!
Next step - escape! Clearly, bondage rope will be a useful tool in building a raft, and I think a spreader bar would be a great flotation device to lash branches onto (assuming there will be trees on this desert island). We'll probably need a stainless steel dildo to protect ourselves from pirate attacks. Definitely a massage candle for light and to protect against dry skin. Ooh, and a butt plug or two for plugging up the inevitable leaks in the raft!
Happy Sunday, and welcome to the world of sex nerds! It's a great place to be, AND we are totally set in case of desert island stranding. I'm definitely going to start telling customers that stainless steel dildos, while being fabulous G-spot and prostate stimulators (more on that another day), are also an excellent defense against pirate attack. This is useful and important information that the world needs to know about!
Any ideas about other sex products we could use for survival? Let me know! My coworkers' lives might depend on it one day!
Fun distraction on a boring Monday, and also a fun and creative way to think outside the box about the products we sell!
We started with the basics - food source. What has the most nutrients in the store? Probably the edible body chocolate. Okay, so that's coming. What about water? Once the creative juices started flowing, we started designing a water filtering device using a large penis pump cylinder. There was also speculation about whether the water component of lube could be separated from the other ingredients. I think that would require further research. Hmmm, shelter. Luckily, we have a waterproof blanket (stain-free sex!) that is actually probably one of the most useful products we've explored so far! No getting rained on here!
Next step - escape! Clearly, bondage rope will be a useful tool in building a raft, and I think a spreader bar would be a great flotation device to lash branches onto (assuming there will be trees on this desert island). We'll probably need a stainless steel dildo to protect ourselves from pirate attacks. Definitely a massage candle for light and to protect against dry skin. Ooh, and a butt plug or two for plugging up the inevitable leaks in the raft!
Happy Sunday, and welcome to the world of sex nerds! It's a great place to be, AND we are totally set in case of desert island stranding. I'm definitely going to start telling customers that stainless steel dildos, while being fabulous G-spot and prostate stimulators (more on that another day), are also an excellent defense against pirate attack. This is useful and important information that the world needs to know about!
Any ideas about other sex products we could use for survival? Let me know! My coworkers' lives might depend on it one day!
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Exploration and Consent
Consent is a theme that constantly comes up when I'm talking about sex (which is a lot of the time!). As I've mentioned before, I see any sex act as a wonderful thing as long as it occurs between consenting adults, so consent is kind of a big deal for me. I was talking with someone the other day, and they were asking me lots of questions about exploring various new things in bed. All of their questions essentially boiled down to "What do I do if my partner doesn't want to try something new in bed with me?"
I totally support exploring new sex acts/sensations/toys/experiences on your own and with a partner, and I know that sometimes a partner can be reluctant to try something new, so I do have a few suggestions on how to handle this situation. Sometimes it's just about reframing the sex act, focusing on the benefits for each of you individually and together. Sometimes it's about making it clear that trying something once doesn't mean you're committing to keep doing that thing all the time. And sometimes it's about communicating to your partner how much this particular sex act turns you on and how excited you are to share it with them.
But the bottom line is that we all need to respect each other's boundaries. There's a big difference between a partnership where two people are exploring their sexual desires together and a partnership where one person is pressuring their partner to do something they don't want to do. There's a really simple label for initiating a sex act without a partner's consent or bullying a partner into consenting - it's called rape, and it is NEVER okay. (For a really excellent read on rape culture and reframing how we think about consent, check out Jaclyn Friedman and Jessica Valenti's book Yes Means Yes.) If someone is a little intimidated or unsure about trying something in bed, then yes, totally have a conversation about what their concerns are. Maybe there's something really simple you can do to make your partner feel more at ease. But if you've had that conversation and your partner still doesn't want to do that thing, just don't do it.
We all have boundaries, and we all have different things that turn us on and turn us off. And these boundaries sometimes change over time as we change and grow as sexual beings, and that's okay too! If you want to be in a healthy sexual relationship, you need to be aware and respectful of your partner's boundaries. So please explore all the many possible expressions of human sexuality, and enjoy your exploration! But on your journey, only take people along for the ride if they're totally enthusiastic about being there!
Friday, June 15, 2012
A Shout Out to the Rock Stars
Okay, today has exploded in my face a little bit, so I will table the discussion of communication for a day when I have more time to devote to it. So for today, let me share two really young and awesome sex activist rock stars who make my day!
Tavi Gevinson, TedXTeen rock star, gave a really wonderful talk a few months ago about representations of women in pop culture, female role models, and feminism. I love how she talks about feminism and all of these concepts as a work in progress. The name of her talk is "Still Figuring It Out," which is how I feel pretty much every day of my life. Watch her talk here.
And more recently, I came across an article on the NY Times blog that profiles a 16 year old girl named Aparna Bhola who teaches sex education at a girls' shelter in Mumbai. This badass feminist has had quite a life, and I've seen a lot of people on social media sites remark that her story is so sad! I actually had the opposite reaction - she took her early childhood experiences, her unique position, and her knowledge base, and is now channeling all that experience into making a difference in her community. Isn't that what we all want to do with our lives? I see this as a wonderfully happy and inspiring story of a person (and several organizations) making a real and positive change right where it is needed most.
So much love and support going out to these two young people and all the amazing activists I read about and work with every day! And a more lengthy post tomorrow, I promise.
Tavi Gevinson, TedXTeen rock star, gave a really wonderful talk a few months ago about representations of women in pop culture, female role models, and feminism. I love how she talks about feminism and all of these concepts as a work in progress. The name of her talk is "Still Figuring It Out," which is how I feel pretty much every day of my life. Watch her talk here.
And more recently, I came across an article on the NY Times blog that profiles a 16 year old girl named Aparna Bhola who teaches sex education at a girls' shelter in Mumbai. This badass feminist has had quite a life, and I've seen a lot of people on social media sites remark that her story is so sad! I actually had the opposite reaction - she took her early childhood experiences, her unique position, and her knowledge base, and is now channeling all that experience into making a difference in her community. Isn't that what we all want to do with our lives? I see this as a wonderfully happy and inspiring story of a person (and several organizations) making a real and positive change right where it is needed most.
So much love and support going out to these two young people and all the amazing activists I read about and work with every day! And a more lengthy post tomorrow, I promise.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
What I Love About My Job
In the day-to-day of my job, I encounter a lot of people who have really sex-negative attitudes and lots of insecurities about sex. These insecurities come out in different ways - sometimes people just totally shut down and become quiet/shy/embarrassed, and sometimes people say and do incredibly inappropriate things because they're uncomfortable talking or thinking about sex (mocking various sex acts, waving dildos around in the air, holding a toy up to their partner's genitals in the store - I wish I was kidding about that last one). All this sex-negativity can be really frustrating for a sex educator who's just trying to make people happy and comfortable with their own pleasure! Sometimes I come home from work and I'm all grumbly and upset, thinking "Why can't these people just ignore social pressures and be openminded about sex??"
Of course it's not as simple as all that, and if it was, my job would be kind of unnecessary! So it's nice to remind myself now and again why I love my work.
1) I'm changing the world! I like to think of myself as a sex superhero (still working on finding a cape). So much of people's insecurities about sex comes from being unsure what they're "allowed" to do. In my workshops and in the store, I continually give people permission and affirmation to have whatever desires they want. You want to learn how to stimulate your G-spot and ejaculate? Yes, do it! You want to put something up your butt? Good for you! Are you turned on by something that might be a little taboo? Embrace that about yourself! It's so rewarding to see people's faces visibly relax when they realize that they're finally in a judgment-free zone, and when they realize that it might actually be okay to have the desires they have.
2) My coworkers are AWESOME! Seriously, I think they're the best people in the world. I am so lucky to have a family of coworkers who care about and support one another, both in the workplace and in our various endeavors outside of work. We all bring different skills and knowledge to the table, and we've kind of perfected the whole working together as a team thing. It helps that we try our hardest to create a sex-positive, safe environment in the store and in our interactions with one another, always listening closely and being respectful of people's boundaries (see tomorrow's post on healthy communication! Whoa, foreshadowing).
3) Surprise! When people first meet me, I have a tendency to come off as a sweet little girl, about 10 years younger than I actually am. I get a lot of "sweetheart," "cutie," and "honey" in my everyday life, even from complete strangers who really should not be using these terms of endearment with someone they don't even know! There's nothing wrong with being "cute," and over time, I've learned to accept this about myself. But I also enjoy being a badass once in a while, and my job lets me do just that. I get a gleeful pleasure when people come into the store, come talk to me because I look "safe," and then proceed to be completely shocked when I casually throw around words like "dick," "pussy," "cock ring," "butt plug," etc. Of course, I'm trying to make them feel comfortable with these concepts too. But the juxtaposition of my "sweet" face and the "dirty" words coming out of my mouth is really satisfying to me. :-)
Anyway, I think it's important and useful in life to remember the things we're grateful for, and those are just a few of the reasons that I am really grateful for my work. Yay, now I feel much less grumbly!
1) I'm changing the world! I like to think of myself as a sex superhero (still working on finding a cape). So much of people's insecurities about sex comes from being unsure what they're "allowed" to do. In my workshops and in the store, I continually give people permission and affirmation to have whatever desires they want. You want to learn how to stimulate your G-spot and ejaculate? Yes, do it! You want to put something up your butt? Good for you! Are you turned on by something that might be a little taboo? Embrace that about yourself! It's so rewarding to see people's faces visibly relax when they realize that they're finally in a judgment-free zone, and when they realize that it might actually be okay to have the desires they have.
2) My coworkers are AWESOME! Seriously, I think they're the best people in the world. I am so lucky to have a family of coworkers who care about and support one another, both in the workplace and in our various endeavors outside of work. We all bring different skills and knowledge to the table, and we've kind of perfected the whole working together as a team thing. It helps that we try our hardest to create a sex-positive, safe environment in the store and in our interactions with one another, always listening closely and being respectful of people's boundaries (see tomorrow's post on healthy communication! Whoa, foreshadowing).
3) Surprise! When people first meet me, I have a tendency to come off as a sweet little girl, about 10 years younger than I actually am. I get a lot of "sweetheart," "cutie," and "honey" in my everyday life, even from complete strangers who really should not be using these terms of endearment with someone they don't even know! There's nothing wrong with being "cute," and over time, I've learned to accept this about myself. But I also enjoy being a badass once in a while, and my job lets me do just that. I get a gleeful pleasure when people come into the store, come talk to me because I look "safe," and then proceed to be completely shocked when I casually throw around words like "dick," "pussy," "cock ring," "butt plug," etc. Of course, I'm trying to make them feel comfortable with these concepts too. But the juxtaposition of my "sweet" face and the "dirty" words coming out of my mouth is really satisfying to me. :-)
Anyway, I think it's important and useful in life to remember the things we're grateful for, and those are just a few of the reasons that I am really grateful for my work. Yay, now I feel much less grumbly!
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
The Realism Conundrum
Here's an issue that comes up all the time when people are buying sex toys: Do they want something realistic (i.e. that looks like a penis/vulva), or do they want something non-realistic? People decide one way or the other for all sorts of different and totally legitimate reasons, but there tend to be really strong opinions about this. I find some of the reasoning absolutely fascinating, so let's explore, shall we? I've encountered two major schools of thought:
1) If I stick something in my body (or if I stick my dick in something) that looks like a realistic depiction of a penis/vulva, I will be effectively replacing my partner. People use this both as a reason not to buy something realistic ("I don't want my partner to feel threatened!") and as a reason to do just that ("Who needs a boyfriend/girlfriend when I have this toy?").
2) If I stick something in my body (or if I stick my dick in something) that does NOT look like a realistic depiction of a penis/vulva, I am SO KINKY and I will never not be a sexual deviant ever again! On the other side of this school of thought are the people who think vibrating hot pink bananas are awesome.
So in response to School of Thought #1, a toy does not replace a partner. It just doesn't. Believe me, my current primary sexual partner is out of town at the moment, and my toys are trying really hard, but are not at all sufficing, to replace the intimacy that comes along with an actual person. Although I understand where the insecurity about sex toys comes from, given their depiction in pop culture, your partner does not need to feel threatened by a toy. I'm kind of intrigued by the positive side of School of Thought #1 ("Who needs a partner?"). It's empowering, which is awesome, but I think it's also a little misguided, because while a toy can bring you sexual pleasure, it really won't replace a good partner. If a toy is good enough to replace your partner, maybe you need a better partner. Yeah, I think that's a good motto...
In response to School of Thought #2, there is nothing wrong with being kinky! Please be as kinky as you want to be! As long as it's consensual and between adults, all expressions of human desire are wonderful and should be celebrated! I celebrate your kinkiness, even if no one else does! And people might disagree with me on this (please feel free to start a discussion in comments if you do!), but I think kink is more about an attitude toward sex than it is about what toys you bring into the bedroom. In other words, buying some leather bondage gear does not in and of itself make you kinky (take note, Fifty Shades of Grey couples! Just kidding, love you so much, you make my days so fabulously interesting!). Kink is about deriving pleasure from certain activities that are outside the "mainstream" of sexuality. This could be another whole blog post sometime, but for now, let's just differentiate between owning toys and being kinky, because they are totally different things!
And for those on the positive side of this school of thought, yes, vibrating hot pink bananas are indeed awesome.
1) If I stick something in my body (or if I stick my dick in something) that looks like a realistic depiction of a penis/vulva, I will be effectively replacing my partner. People use this both as a reason not to buy something realistic ("I don't want my partner to feel threatened!") and as a reason to do just that ("Who needs a boyfriend/girlfriend when I have this toy?").
2) If I stick something in my body (or if I stick my dick in something) that does NOT look like a realistic depiction of a penis/vulva, I am SO KINKY and I will never not be a sexual deviant ever again! On the other side of this school of thought are the people who think vibrating hot pink bananas are awesome.
So in response to School of Thought #1, a toy does not replace a partner. It just doesn't. Believe me, my current primary sexual partner is out of town at the moment, and my toys are trying really hard, but are not at all sufficing, to replace the intimacy that comes along with an actual person. Although I understand where the insecurity about sex toys comes from, given their depiction in pop culture, your partner does not need to feel threatened by a toy. I'm kind of intrigued by the positive side of School of Thought #1 ("Who needs a partner?"). It's empowering, which is awesome, but I think it's also a little misguided, because while a toy can bring you sexual pleasure, it really won't replace a good partner. If a toy is good enough to replace your partner, maybe you need a better partner. Yeah, I think that's a good motto...
In response to School of Thought #2, there is nothing wrong with being kinky! Please be as kinky as you want to be! As long as it's consensual and between adults, all expressions of human desire are wonderful and should be celebrated! I celebrate your kinkiness, even if no one else does! And people might disagree with me on this (please feel free to start a discussion in comments if you do!), but I think kink is more about an attitude toward sex than it is about what toys you bring into the bedroom. In other words, buying some leather bondage gear does not in and of itself make you kinky (take note, Fifty Shades of Grey couples! Just kidding, love you so much, you make my days so fabulously interesting!). Kink is about deriving pleasure from certain activities that are outside the "mainstream" of sexuality. This could be another whole blog post sometime, but for now, let's just differentiate between owning toys and being kinky, because they are totally different things!
And for those on the positive side of this school of thought, yes, vibrating hot pink bananas are indeed awesome.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
The Self-Pleasure Revolution
What's really interesting about working in the sex industry is all the assumptions people make about your personal life. Granted, I sell adult toys and educate people about sex, which is not the same thing as having sex for money (which is something I totally support as an effective way to make a living, while recognizing that it's often problematic in this country because of legal and social issues, but that's another blog post for another time). However, I'm sure porn stars and sex workers get similar reactions if they choose to tell people about their line of work.
People have this idea that I am the kinkiest person alive, that I do everything in bed that I talk about in my classes, and that I basically am having sex every minute that I'm not working in the store and teaching (who knows? I could be wearing a bullet vibe in my panties right now while I'm talking to you! ...but I'm not). And I'll give you this much - my sex life is generally interesting, exciting, wonderful, and chock full of healthy, open, honest communication. However, there are many products that I sell and fully endorse but have never personally tried. There are many sex acts that I endorse and teach people about that I have never tried myself. This makes total sense. People who work in clothing stores - have you personally worn every piece of clothing that you sell? Of course not! Are you asked which pair of pants fits best on you? No, of course you're not. Because that's totally irrelevant information when it's someone else who is actually going to be wearing the pants. And when it comes to clothes, people understand that every body is different and that people have different personal preferences when it comes to style.
IT'S THE SAME THING WITH SEX.
Do you really want to do a thing in bed just because that thing happens to work well for me in bed? Not because it's what YOU actually want to do in bed? That sounds like a recipe for a really unhappy sex life.
I get it, I really do. People are so incredibly disempowered when it comes to their bodies and sex. In this culture, it's mostly women who bear the brunt of disempowerment, but it's true for men too. We are not taught how the sexual parts of our bodies work. We are not taught to explore our bodies, learn how to stimulate them, learn how to give ourselves pleasure. Instead, we're taught by omission that we are not the experts on our own bodies or our own pleasure. We're dependent on other people to bring us pleasure, and we just cross our fingers and hope that they had better training on these things than we did. It's so sad!
So let's all go home and touch ourselves, and let's recognize that masturbation is a revolutionary act. I may be a bit of an "expert" on sex acts, sex toys, etc., but I am NOT the expert on your body, and I shouldn't be. Your sex life will not be awesome because I tell you things. Your sex life will be awesome because you take control of it, learn how to pleasure yourself, learn what works best for you, and then invite someone else to be a part of your sex life only if they're willing to respect your expertise on your body. That's called sexual empowerment, and I am SUCH a fan!
People have this idea that I am the kinkiest person alive, that I do everything in bed that I talk about in my classes, and that I basically am having sex every minute that I'm not working in the store and teaching (who knows? I could be wearing a bullet vibe in my panties right now while I'm talking to you! ...but I'm not). And I'll give you this much - my sex life is generally interesting, exciting, wonderful, and chock full of healthy, open, honest communication. However, there are many products that I sell and fully endorse but have never personally tried. There are many sex acts that I endorse and teach people about that I have never tried myself. This makes total sense. People who work in clothing stores - have you personally worn every piece of clothing that you sell? Of course not! Are you asked which pair of pants fits best on you? No, of course you're not. Because that's totally irrelevant information when it's someone else who is actually going to be wearing the pants. And when it comes to clothes, people understand that every body is different and that people have different personal preferences when it comes to style.
IT'S THE SAME THING WITH SEX.
Do you really want to do a thing in bed just because that thing happens to work well for me in bed? Not because it's what YOU actually want to do in bed? That sounds like a recipe for a really unhappy sex life.
I get it, I really do. People are so incredibly disempowered when it comes to their bodies and sex. In this culture, it's mostly women who bear the brunt of disempowerment, but it's true for men too. We are not taught how the sexual parts of our bodies work. We are not taught to explore our bodies, learn how to stimulate them, learn how to give ourselves pleasure. Instead, we're taught by omission that we are not the experts on our own bodies or our own pleasure. We're dependent on other people to bring us pleasure, and we just cross our fingers and hope that they had better training on these things than we did. It's so sad!
So let's all go home and touch ourselves, and let's recognize that masturbation is a revolutionary act. I may be a bit of an "expert" on sex acts, sex toys, etc., but I am NOT the expert on your body, and I shouldn't be. Your sex life will not be awesome because I tell you things. Your sex life will be awesome because you take control of it, learn how to pleasure yourself, learn what works best for you, and then invite someone else to be a part of your sex life only if they're willing to respect your expertise on your body. That's called sexual empowerment, and I am SUCH a fan!
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