Trouble in the Bedroom

From the mailbox... (Oh and hey everyone else - if you want me to answer your questions, I would totally love to do that! Just email them to askamyaboutsex@gmail.com!)

My girlfriend and I only recently started dating. She has difficulty during sex with letting herself go and climaxing or even coming close. She gets uncomfortable with me "focusing on" her, as she puts it, but is generally okay "focusing on" me. What can I/we do to help her get more comfortable with herself around me?

Hey friend,

That sounds like an unpleasant situation for both of you! It sounds like there might be a number of things going on here, so the best way to figure out what's wrong is going to be to have an open and honest conversation about it. You know how I'm a pretty big fan of communication!

Lots of people (women especially) have difficulty coming to orgasm, and that is fine! It doesn't mean you're flawed, or that there's anything wrong with your body - it just means you're human. One thing that can really help is to take the pressure off the situation by not focusing so much on the orgasm. Instead, focus on the sexual journey. If you're having a good time, that's what's most important. Your partner's discomfort might be partially coming from a space of shame around not being able to orgasm regularly. Does she masturbate? Is she able to come from masturbation? If she takes the time to explore her own body and figure out what turns her on, then she can share that with you, and your sex will be that much better and not so laced with shame! This is a thing she can do on her own, and it's also a thing you can do together. I think mutual masturbation can be really great for relationships, because you learn more about each others' bodies and how you like to stimulate yourselves. It's also really hot to be able to watch your super sexy partner touching their own body!

The other thing that might be going on here is just a matter of prioritizing sex. If your partner only wants to "focus on" you, she might be coming from a space of obligation rather than enthusiastic participation. Sometimes we can be really tired or really stressed about work/school/family, and it's hard to get in the mood to have sex. With all the best intentions in the world, we think to ourselves, "Well, it's not fair to deny my partner pleasure just because I'm not in the mood. So I'll just help him get off real quick, then I'll go back to being stressed." Sadly, our partner can usually see right through us and see that we're not really enjoying ourselves. I think at least half of the fun of sex comes from seeing the pleasure you're giving someone else, so when we get in our stressed-out place, we're denying our partner the pleasure of seeing OUR pleasure. We're also denying ourselves potential stress release - boo!

It can be helpful to put aside a time for sex. That way, you can plan ahead and say, "Okay, for this couple of hours two nights from now, I am going to put aside the rest of my life and focus on my partner and my body and pleasure." We schedule everything else - meetings, lunch with friends, doctor appointments - because they are priorities. Well, sex should be a priority too, but we often expect it to just be spontaneous, which means it doesn't end up happening, or when it does come up, one or both people are just not in the mood. Scheduling sex doesn't make it less sexy - it can actually make it more sexy! You can spend the whole next two days (or however long) building up the excitement through fantasizing, dirty texting, primping, etc. Putting aside this time specifically for sex might help your partner be more in the moment rather than worrying about everything else in life.

The last thing I want to talk about here is compromise, the backbone of every relationship. When you talk with your partner about this issue, some things might come up that you don't want to hear. Maybe she's uncomfortable with her body, for any number of reasons (lots of women are). Maybe she's just not a fan of oral sex. Maybe she only comes when she's using vibration, and she wants to bring toys into the bedroom. As in all communication, the most important things are: 1) Know what you want, and don't be afraid to ask for it. and 2) Actively listen to your partner and try to give them what they want if possible. Compromises are really important and can be a great way to grow as a couple. But they can also sometimes lead to resentment if one person ends up giving up something that they really need in a relationship. So going into this conversation, know what you are and are not willing to negotiate about. And stick to that! 

A coworker and I were talking recently about how the most important thing you can bring to the table in a relationship is a knowledge of your own self-worth. In other words, know what you need and know that you are deserving enough to ask for what you need and for someone to make a compromise in order to give you what you need. If both of you are coming at this conversation from a place of self-worth, you will definitely be able to have a productive conversation about it.

Hope this helps a little! Best of luck!

Love and kisses,

Amy

An Exploration of Age Limits

As a sex educator, I pride myself on being really openminded about all things sexual. That's why it's always a bit unsettling when I find myself being judgmental about something when there's no need for it. Luckily, my second reaction (after feeling unsettled) is to see it as an exciting opportunity to confront my own prejudice, figure out the reasoning behind it, and hopefully become more openminded as a result! Yay learning from experience! So here we go.

There is a huge social taboo when it comes to dating outside of the socially accepted age range (depending on who you ask, I believe the standard is:

your age/2 +7 = lower end of age range,
your age-7 * 2 = upper end of age range

My age range would therefore be 20-36 - you do the math).

Because this is an issue I was really judgmental about myself until recently (and still struggle with, by the way), I definitely understand the reasons for this taboo. We worry about pedophilia, we worry about implicit power dynamics, people being coerced, people using people, maturity/life experience gap, etc. These are all legitimate concerns, and I've actually known quite a few young people who became involved in unhealthy relationships with older people, and one or both people generally end up getting hurt (big part of the reason for my personal prejudice).

What this social taboo fails to take into account is that sometimes people of vastly different ages are actually really compatible with each other. Emotional age and physical age are not at all the same thing, which means that a 40-something and a 20-something can actually be at a similar level of maturity. The bottom line for me is that 18 is the age of consent, and therefore once you're over 18, as long as it's consensual, it's cool with me. And there's nothing inherently wrong with dating someone much older or younger than you! Yes, sometimes these relationships are unhealthy for all sorts of reasons, but I know plenty of totally unhealthy relationships where both people are the same age, so who's to say that it actually makes any difference? Theory: If relationships where both people are the same age can be healthy OR unhealthy, then relationships with a large age gap can also be healthy OR unhealthy. Crazy, I know.

So why would you want to date/sleep with someone who's way older or way younger than you? Well, let's explore that. Having an older partner can be nice because older partners can be more mature and have more stability in their lives than younger partners. Whether your life is a mess and it's comforting to be with someone who's got it more together, or whether you're very together for your age and are fed up with everyone else being a mess, stability can definitely be attractive. It can also be nice to feel like you're being taken care of. For some people, this can be an uncomfortable power dynamic, sure, but remember - power dynamics exist in every relationship, and caregiving is usually the most unbalanced power dynamic in any relationship (other than money, I suppose, which is related to caregiving anyway). And there's nothing wrong with wanting to feel taken care of!

People more easily see the benefit of having a younger partner, because we live in a super ageist society that values youth and beauty over pretty much everything else. Aside from the "hot young thing" phenomenon, I think it can be really refreshing to date someone a lot younger. It can remind you that you're still young at heart. It can be really fun to act younger than you are (not in a weird way, just in a giving yourself permission to be silly way) and to shake things up a bit, especially if you feel like you're stagnating (which many people do at some point in life). Having a partner who's much older or younger than you is also a great way to gain new perspective on the world. As someone who's a big fan of learning through relationships, I love the idea of getting to experience the world from a different perspective!

Here's my newly revised opinion on age differences and dating/sex: It's just the same as dating someone who's different from you in any other way (race, socioeconomic class, religion, etc.). It's not going to be easy, and people are going to judge you a lot. But the truth is that no one ever knows the true nature of a relationship except the people involved in the relationship. Therefore, no one's judgment should really matter except your own and your partner's, so if the person or the sex or the relationship is worth it to you, go forth and love!

Kinky Mail

Yay, someone sent me questions! Here is an answer to one of them (which is super long, but only barely scratches the surface of the topic discussed). If you also have questions you want to send me, please do! See the right side of this page for details!

I have recently discovered I'm kinky. I still haven't talked to anyone about it, and I don't know exactly the extent of my interests. I want to explore light bondage and easier things like that, but I don't currently have a partner. It feels like an awkward thing to bring up on a random hook-up, or even a new partner. How can I explore this side of myself?

-Seeking Out Licentious Orgasms

Hi SOLO friend,

I'm so excited for you to have wonderful kinky adventures! It's totally okay that you don't have a partner right now, because I'm sure you're awesome all by yourself, and also the first step on this journey is to learn as much as you can about kink, which is a thing you can do just as well on your own. Also, since you don't have a partner to pressure you to want or not want certain things, look at this time as a great opportunity to have an honest conversation with yourself about what you do and do not want to explore.

The overall category of kink (or BDSM, which stands for Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, Sadism/Masochism) is a really really big umbrella category that covers a whole lot of topics. It covers things like  power play, sensation play, impact play, bondage, role play, and much much more. It's totally fine to be into some aspects of kinky sex and not others, and learning lots about different parts of kink is a good way to figure out which things you might be into.

Another useful thing to know about kink is that there is a thriving underground community of people who are into kinky sex! And it is one of the most wonderfully supportive and caring communities around! So look up resources in your community where you can learn more about the kink scene near you. There are probably classes you can take, play parties you can attend (probably as an observer at first, then as a participant later if you want!), and really fun and interesting people you can connect with. The Eulenspiegel Society (TES) is a great place to start - they're a really well-established New York-based BDSM support and education group. On their website, they list resources in New York and around the country - mostly located in or near big cities. But I promise, there are kinky people everywhere! Sometimes you just have to do a little research to find out what's going on near you.

So kinky sex can be practiced within the kink community, but kink is also something you can incorporate into otherwise vanilla sex (vanilla sex = not kinky sex - I don't see it as a derogatory term, just a different flavor, if you will!), which is a really great way to get started, and also a really great thing to do in and of itself, not necessarily as an introduction to the community. 

The single most important thing when it comes to kink (and all sex - if you've been reading this blog regularly, you should know what I'm about to say. All together now?) - COMMUNICATION. A lot of kinky sex play is about negotiating the limits of what people find sexy and pleasurable. That's why consent is so important for these activities. And not just consent like "I asked and she said she guessed it was okay, so that's not a no" kind of consent. I'm a fan of ENTHUSIASTIC CONSENT when it comes to all kinds of sex, and particularly kinky sex. That means both people are really excited about whatever's happening and are constantly letting their partner know how excited they are before, during, and after playtime. The BDSM community likes their kinky play to be "safe, sane and consensual" - meaning you're being mindful of one another's safety, you're not drunk/on drugs/in any altered state of mind, and everyone's into it!

A great way to get in touch with your own desires and later communicate them to a partner is by using a Yes/No/Maybe list. This is a list of all the activities you can think of (kinky, sexy, or otherwise). Here's a really excellent example! You make three columns - Yes, No, and Maybe. In the Yes column, put all the activities you are excited about and want to try. In the No column, put everything that doesn't turn you on or you're not interested in exploring. And in the Maybe column, put activities that you might want to try under certain conditions, or might want to learn more about before trying, or anything that isn't a clear Yes or No. Whenever you do get together with a partner, you can compare your lists and have a conversation about what activities you might like to try. It's a great way to focus on the activity itself and take the pressure off of you and your partner. It's also important to note that our desires change over time, so the Yes/No/Maybe list can totally change too, and that's great! It's a nice thing to keep coming back to over time.

My final note to you, my SOLO friend, is about safety. Safety is crucial when you're exploring kinky activities - as with safer sex in general, know your risks! Read up! When you're tying someone up, use something that is not going to tighten and cut off circulation (restraints/thick rope/bondage tape = good, metal handcuffs/thin rope/silk ties (Mr. Grey) = bad). Don't leave someone alone when they're tied up. Don't tie someone's hands over their head for more than ten minutes (circulation, people!). DO use a safeword. Always. And don't have it be "No" or "Stop."

And finally, have fun! This stuff is called "play" for a reason! Open your mind to new things and new people! Enjoy the process of exploring and learning more about your own desires and other people's desires and the incredibly diverse expressions of human sexuality that exist in the world! And then come back and tell me all about it. :-D

And my favorite kind of kinky sex:

Deja Vu All Over Again

Summer is the season for new love - summer flings, romance is in the air, it's so incredibly hot outside that of course all you want to do is rub your body up against someone else's because that makes perfect sense (hah!). This summer, though, I've been noticing that summer is not just for new love, it's also for rekindling old love. I have noticed a definite trend of people returning to former relationships to "give it another shot." Oh dear.

Disclaimer - sometimes all two people need is a little break from each other to get some perspective, and then they can return to a relationship with a fresh attitude and a new appreciation for everything they share together. And I think that's awesome, and it's so great to be able to recognize that that's what you need. And it's especially impressive if you can keep the line of open and honest communication going that whole time. If that's the case, good for you!

Too often though, we get addicted to people, which is why we conveniently forget about all the reasons why we broke up in the first place and return to a relationship. If this is something you're considering doing, please step back and ask yourself, "What has changed?" If you had a legitimate reason for breaking up in the first place (which most people do), has something changed to make that reason no longer exist? Because if the same reason still exists, it's just going to be a repeat of the last time. I actually had a friend tell me he's back together with this woman he dated last summer: "you know, the one who broke my heart." Um...red flag!!! Did you not sufficiently hurt each other the first time around? Why would you want more of that negativity in your life? (In case you're reading this, I love you friend, and I totally support you - I just also worry about you sometimes.)

Look, I've been in enough of these silly situations in my life to know that repeating mistakes is not a thing that feels good. It actually tends to make you feel stupid, foolish, and like you should have known better. So if you have an ex banging on your door (or in your bed), please think long and hard about whether you actually want to go down that road again. I've written here before about how sometimes we need to make mistakes or "bad decisions" just to remind ourselves that we can, and that it's okay to be imperfect. But common sense says: Don't walk into a situation that you know is going to be bad if you don't want a bad situation on your hands. Or at least tread very lightly. I love my friends, and I don't want you to get hurt. I also don't want to have to call in my network of assassins to go kill the people who hurt you - that costs a lot of money and can lead to awkward situations. Okay?

The Big O

A friend of mine recently brought this article to my attention and asked for my sexpert (hah!) opinion on it. The article is about "karezza," (from the Italian "caress") a philosophy and practice of making love without orgasm as a way to reconnect with your partner. Unsurprisingly, I'm a lot more into the second link (which is an actual karezza practitioner talking about the practice) than the first one (which is a major news network giving their perspective), but I think there are a lot of interesting points that this brings up.

As I told this helpful friend of mine (thank you for bringing this to my attention! If you'd like, I will put your name here and give you credit, but otherwise, you will remain anonymous.), the bottom line for me is that if a sex act is consensual and between adults, I'm all for it! I've mentioned on this blog before that I think our culture is sometimes way too goal-oriented when it comes to sex, and I think it would be beneficial for all of us to focus more on the journey and not stress out so much about the orgasm(s). I also love the emphasis this practice places on building intimacy with a partner and appreciating all parts of each other's bodies, not just the genitals. The practice of karezza was started by a pretty badass 19th century feminist, Alice Bunker Stockham, an OB/GYN who was pro-birth control, anti-corsets, and a general rock star quality person. And there does happen to be a special spot in my heart for kickass revolutionary way-before-their-time feminist activists (cheers, Hildegard von Bingen)!

Here are the issues I have with the ABC article. First of all, it's very heteronormative and based on the assumption that everyone in the world is (or desires to be) married and/or in a long-term monogamous relationship. Taking time to focus on building intimacy in the context of an established partnership is all well and good, but sometimes you just want to meet someone in a bar (or wherever - does anyone actually meet people in bars?), take them home, and have a really hot one night stand. In which case, if it's me, I would probably be more about the orgasms than about the building intimacy with this person who I'm probably never going to see again.

The other thing that irks me a bit about the article (and which is true of a lot of the mainstream media's coverage of sex issues) is that this article presents karezza as a better, more enlightened way of having sex, rather than one great choice among many. As I've discussed before, there are innumerable ways that people express their sexuality, and the immense variety of sexual expression never ceases to astound me. And I really don't think there is one sexual act or one way of experiencing sexuality that works for everyone. So I think it's unproductive and potentially harmful to place sexual experiences in a hierarchy, where one is necessarily "better" than another.

If you want to have orgasm-free sex because it makes you feel connected to your partner on a deeper level, or because it fulfills your desires, or because orgasms are not really your thing, I am all for that! If you want to have orgasms, but are considering orgasm-free sex because you think it's an objectively "better" type of sex, or because you think that's what your partner wants, or because you get really stressed about orgasms because you're putting too much focus on them in your life, I would suggest that you take some time to explore your own personal desires and figure out what in sex is actually important to you. It's totally possible to have stress-free orgasmic sex - I've done it!

So that's what I think about that article. What do you all think? Anyone want to comment? Anyone? Brighten my day? :-)

Reclaiming Slut!

My first year of college, Carol Leigh (aka Scarlot Harlot) came to speak at the student-run coffeeshop at my school. She was talking about sex workers' rights, which is something I never heard about in high school at all. I figured this was an experience not to be missed. Carol got up on the stage and warmed up the crowd: "Can I hear the women in the crowd?" "WOOHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!", etc. Then she said (in that same cheery voice), "Are there any SLUTS in the crowd??" ...awkward silence.

Several years later, I have come to a much more complete and positive understanding of the term "slut," but at the time, I (and apparently my classmates) just were not comfortable with that term being thrown around. As young women especially, I think the word "slut" is often used to keep us in our place. Whether it's older people cautioning us about the potential consequences of our actions ("No one wants to marry the town slut") or people our own age judging our sexual choices ("Omg, she's such a slut!"), we constantly get these messages that being a slut is a bad thing, and you don't want to be called that. Given those prevalent cultural messages, of course we weren't willing to publicly identify as sluts.

But let's examine that for a second. What does being a slut mean? A woman who is sexually active with multiple partners? I identify with that. A woman who doesn't shame herself about her sexual choices? I identify with that too. A woman who enjoys having sex? I totally identify with that! The whole negative connotation behind the word "slut," as far as I can tell, is based in antiquated ideas of gender roles which say that women shouldn't want sex and should only submit to men's (ideally their husband's) desires.

Well, I'm sorry "antiquated ideas of gender roles," but I like sex. I think it's great and empowering and fun and sexy and exciting, and I'm going to have it when I want, with whom I want, without feeling shame about it. And if that means I'm a slut, then you'd better believe I'm going to embrace that term for all it's worth. So yes Carol Leigh, there is at least one loud and proud slut in the house, and she's so sorry she didn't speak up all those years ago!

Persexionism

Here's a problem that exists: Since sex is so taboo in our culture, nobody talks about it openly and honestly, so everyone (or the majority of people, anyway) is super afraid that they're DOING IT WRONG! Or that their desires are not what they should be. Or that their bodies are not what they should be. Or that there needs to be this norm of what "should be" when it comes to anything involving sex. Sex perfectionism. Otherwise known as "persexionism" (yes, I did just invent that).

I'm a crazy perfectionist. That's actually why I'm not very good at blogging, because I'd rather not write a post at all than write an imperfect one. It's something I constantly struggle with in all areas of my life, and I know I'm not the only one. There are lots of perfectionists out there, and this is for all of us.

We need to give ourselves permission to be less than perfect. We need to give ourselves permission to make mistakes. Some of the best moments and happiest times (and best stories!) of my life have come from doing something that, if I had fully thought it through, I probably would never have done. I'm a big believer in living an interesting life, and an interesting life means sometimes doing things that you maybe shouldn't do, and sometimes pushing yourself to do things that you might not feel you're ready to do.

There was a big change in my life a few months ago, and since then, I've been trying to live life moment to moment, one day at a time. I'm not doing much planning ahead these days which, while maybe not the wisest life decision, is really refreshing for me. I'm trying as best as I can to say yes to every opportunity that comes my way. Sometimes this is awesome and I'm on top of the world, and sometimes it sucks and I hate it, but I really want to push myself to live life and not worry so much about making everything perfect.

I totally don't want this to come off as a lecture or anything of the sort, because this is a thing I struggle with myself every day. I just think that giving yourself permission to do what you want and be what you want is so important. Every day, I see this with customers who come to me with questions about sex: "Are my desires ok?" "Am I normal?" "Is it okay for me to be in this store/at this workshop/in my body?" And most of what I do at my job is give people permission, tell them YES, it is perfectly wonderful to be exactly who you are and to want exactly what you want. And don't worry so much about being normal, because there is no normal.

It's so easy for me to say this to customers, but sometimes hard for me to always apply it to my own life. I am a work in progress, and I struggle every day to remember that the beauty is in the process, not in the final product.

Amy's Reading List

Happy weekend! Here is a list of things on the Internet that made me happy this past week:

Feminist Ryan Gosling...always
A really exciting and wonderful blog post about a workshop I taught a couple of weeks ago (oops, can't link to it, then you all would know where I work! Email me for a link)
This NY Times article, which continues to be my inspiration for most of what I do
My wonderful friend Lucas who helped convince me to start this blog - especially when he writes posts like this
This awesome website about various methods of contraception, which is one of the most fun, beautiful and useful things I've ever seen in my life
This article on Jezebel about how maybe being a slut isn't such a bad thing after all
And last, but certainly not least, this groundbreaking piece of feminist theory

I might turn silly weekend posts like this into a thing. We'll see.

Also, here's a suspicious-looking teacup pig in rainboots:


And here's one sleeping (hopefully I will get some of this for myself soon, and then we will have more coherent posts!):

Somewhere Over the Rainbow...

Here's why I love the Wizard of Oz. It's not a love story. Not really. How often do you see a movie that features a beautiful girl in her late teens (Judy Garland was 16 when she played the role) who is NOT in the process of falling in love with someone or having someone fall in love with her? And whose life is not defined by romantic relationships with others? And who actually instead is exploring the way she fits into the world as an individual? And who goes on a journey by herself, making new friends along the way, and comes to a new appreciation of the life she already has? That is a story I can wrap my head around!

There's a lot of talk in the feminist community these days about the Bechdel test. A movie passes the Bechdel test if it:

1. Has at least two named women in it
2. Who talk to each other
3. About something other than men

Unsurprisingly, there are VERY few Hollywood movies that pass this test, and barely any before the last 25 or so years. But the Wizard of Oz does! There are Dorothy and Aunt Em, who talk about family, safety, rules, etc. There's Glinda the Good Witch, who gives Dorothy advice on how to go about her adventure and how to find her way home. There actually is not a single scene in the movie where any character talks about romance or being in love or anything of the sort. It's very refreshing, given how it's pretty much impossible to make a movie these days that doesn't involve romantic attachments.

Of course, the movie is imperfect. Don't even get me started on the virgin/whore dichotomy stuff inherent in the good witch/bad witch motif. But for now, I'll just happily watch the Munchkins (actually played by little people - take note, Snow White and the Huntsman) being awesome, be in love with the idea of a "horse of a different color," and gasp at the appropriate moment when we land in Oz and Technicolor appears for the first time ever! Ah, nostalgia.

Hello Gorgeous!

I love my body. I don't apologize for that, and I do consider it a revolutionary act. I didn't always love my body. It was a conscious decision that I made. It was a really tough decision, and it's one I continue to work on making every single minute of every single day.

Our world makes it SO hard to love your body. Body shame is EVERYWHERE! Whenever I turn on the TV or open a magazine (neither of which I do very often), someone is telling me about this great new thing I can do to my body to make it better, because right now it sucks. Or they're making fun of someone who has an "imperfect" body. When I hang out with my friends, they're talking about the most recent diet or exercise regimen they're on, or they're commiserating about the parts of their bodies they hate. You can't escape it!

And let's talk about that ideal of the "perfect" body. In college, I lived with a woman who was tall, blonde, skinny, leggy, and absolutely gorgeous. She could basically walk into any modeling agency in the world and book a gig in two seconds. So obviously she felt great about her body, right? No! She felt she was too tall, too skinny, etc.

As one of my coworkers said the other day, our bodies are never enough. No matter how hard we exercise or how well we eat or how good we look by societal standards (or any other standards), we will always feel that our bodies are imperfect. So I guess we have two choices: either spend our whole lives worrying about our bodies and trying to make them fit into this little box of "perfection" that doesn't actually exist. OR we accept that our bodies will always be imperfect, and we learn to LOVE those imperfections!

I know which one Ryan Gosling chooses: